I can feel it in my veins. It’s shooting through my core and rocketing into my heart, like a shot of adrenaline or ecstasy in the middle of some intense sex, and it seizes my throat and I can feel the edges of what could have been an orgasm – if I had been in that type of situation – curling in my chest.
The feeling forced a shudder through my back and thrusted my body up in the bed, fists clenching between agony and the empty lust. It was a hollow pain, so horrible that I wanted to cry and scream – but not here.
I swallowed down the urges to express my pain and sat up in bed, swinging my legs over the side of the mattress. A wave of nausea rolled through my head and I leaned forward, squeezing my eyes shut. Fucking hell, why did it have to feel this way?
I stood up and scrambled to pull on some proper clothes. My body stiffened at least twice more in that delicious torture in the time it took me to pull on my jeans. I hadn’t even gotten my arm through the sleeves of a black shirt covered in metal rings before I bolted out the door to the street.
I can’t remember now how I got there – the swelling lust in my throat was taking up all the space in my mind – but here I was, now. My arms wrapped firmly around someone innocent, their limbs flailing in a desperate attempt to escape. Something human writhed inside of me, and I felt for a moment that I wouldn’t be able to do it –
Then my teeth met their flesh, and the angels sang. It was… god, I can’t fucking describe it. I don’t think I even remember most of it. All I know is that before the bite, I thought I was going to die – but after the bite, after I felt my fangs puncture the person’s neck, and tasted the sweet life-nectar welling up from the wound… I felt amazing. No, amazing is an understatement. I felt like a fucking god. A straight-up deity. It was beautiful.
One of my hands soon found the person’s face and clutched it to keep them from screaming. My body curled and wound slightly, mindlessly, at the sharp taste of blood as I drained them. Somewhere in there, I might have groped them out of pure heat of the moment… but I don’t think I really cared. I just needed to quench this maddening bloodthirst before I went on a rampage.
I finally let their pale corpse fall to the ground. I gasped softly and rolled my shoulders. My body was made of electricity by then – it felt like I could run for days, without stopping, at high speed. It was crossed between anxiety, adrenaline, and insane joy, this new feeling throbbing through my body. I twisted my fingers to my palms, trying to mentally curb the edge off of this new high.
Vampirism. Sucks, but you gotta love it sometimes.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
WARNING: Full Of Shit
Tonight's gonna make itself hard to get over. Thankfully, I'm almost at the 4 AM mark, which means I should be getting tired here in a couple hours.
Late nights such as these when I'm alone for unnecessary reasons (mostly thanks to my horrible conduct as a friend and therefore losing companions I could currently be talking to) are when I sit back and reflect on past things, if not trying to cover up the past with wild images of a place that doesn't really exist.
Tonight, I thought back on who I used to be. Where was I, one year ago? Why, I was this spoiled ugly little fuck who took everything for granted and would punch you in the face as a way of saying I love you.
I honestly would. I realize now that I never considered my violence as something to get away with - if I hurt people, it was because I really really liked them. Fuck, if you HAVEN'T been hurt (mentally or physically) by me, then you are most likely someone I couldn't care less for.
Basically, I'm an affectionately violent human being.
I never meant to cause harm. I have screws loose, everyone knows that. I grew up around boys and men - hitting, scratching, cussing, leaving bruises, all of that was part of the "I love ya, kiddo" deal. I didn't realize (or maybe just didn't care) that that is NOT how you do it outside of your family. That's my own fault, and I see that now.
I also have a short temper and a tendency to be irrational. Again, screws loose. Looking back, even I go, "wtf was wrong with me then?" (I hope to find some of the people I acted strange towards and apologize - our relationships would have been much better if I weren't so fucking psycho.)
I hogged the center of attention.
I begged for pity.
I even threatened suicide (and, in all honesty, attempted only once).
I was a rotten, selfish, horrible little brat of a child. I am so angry at my past self, because now I have to carry the luggage of her past around in my pocket. Sometimes I play it off as, "She was an entirely different person. Just forget that, it wasn't you doing all that crap." And sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.
And, admittedly, I had to get a pretty big fucking slap to the face to realize how much of a stuck-up cunt I was. I didn't realize this was what was going to happen, a full year later after the initial incident, but here we are.
I'm a better person thanks to that slap to the face. I'm not the BEST person - I'm still irrational at times, still pretty angry with the world, and generally more anti-social (thanks to the solid abandonment and trust issues, aaawlright) - but I am not this sappy little fuck from last December. I try not to hog the spotlight - in fact, I actually get flat-out embarrassed when something focuses too much on me - and I don't threaten with suicide. Think about it, maybe, but I always have something to be like "nahhh, no way we could actually do it".
All in all, I think I'm as good as a Deege is going to get. I lost a good friend out of this whole ordeal, but hey, maybe one day I'll meet someone better. (And I can always just stick to what I have. I already blew an entire SIX DOLLARS on our best friend necklace, anyway - I can't just walk away from an investment like that!)
(The six dollar investment was a joke, by the way.)
~Sincerely,
A Much Better Deege Than Last December's Deege
Late nights such as these when I'm alone for unnecessary reasons (mostly thanks to my horrible conduct as a friend and therefore losing companions I could currently be talking to) are when I sit back and reflect on past things, if not trying to cover up the past with wild images of a place that doesn't really exist.
Tonight, I thought back on who I used to be. Where was I, one year ago? Why, I was this spoiled ugly little fuck who took everything for granted and would punch you in the face as a way of saying I love you.
I honestly would. I realize now that I never considered my violence as something to get away with - if I hurt people, it was because I really really liked them. Fuck, if you HAVEN'T been hurt (mentally or physically) by me, then you are most likely someone I couldn't care less for.
Basically, I'm an affectionately violent human being.
I never meant to cause harm. I have screws loose, everyone knows that. I grew up around boys and men - hitting, scratching, cussing, leaving bruises, all of that was part of the "I love ya, kiddo" deal. I didn't realize (or maybe just didn't care) that that is NOT how you do it outside of your family. That's my own fault, and I see that now.
I also have a short temper and a tendency to be irrational. Again, screws loose. Looking back, even I go, "wtf was wrong with me then?" (I hope to find some of the people I acted strange towards and apologize - our relationships would have been much better if I weren't so fucking psycho.)
I hogged the center of attention.
I begged for pity.
I even threatened suicide (and, in all honesty, attempted only once).
I was a rotten, selfish, horrible little brat of a child. I am so angry at my past self, because now I have to carry the luggage of her past around in my pocket. Sometimes I play it off as, "She was an entirely different person. Just forget that, it wasn't you doing all that crap." And sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.
And, admittedly, I had to get a pretty big fucking slap to the face to realize how much of a stuck-up cunt I was. I didn't realize this was what was going to happen, a full year later after the initial incident, but here we are.
I'm a better person thanks to that slap to the face. I'm not the BEST person - I'm still irrational at times, still pretty angry with the world, and generally more anti-social (thanks to the solid abandonment and trust issues, aaawlright) - but I am not this sappy little fuck from last December. I try not to hog the spotlight - in fact, I actually get flat-out embarrassed when something focuses too much on me - and I don't threaten with suicide. Think about it, maybe, but I always have something to be like "nahhh, no way we could actually do it".
All in all, I think I'm as good as a Deege is going to get. I lost a good friend out of this whole ordeal, but hey, maybe one day I'll meet someone better. (And I can always just stick to what I have. I already blew an entire SIX DOLLARS on our best friend necklace, anyway - I can't just walk away from an investment like that!)
(The six dollar investment was a joke, by the way.)
~Sincerely,
A Much Better Deege Than Last December's Deege
Friday, November 19, 2010
sigh
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate being alone?
And not in the usual angry-hate way.
More like the I-brought-this-on-myself-but-I-feel-I-still-shouldn't-be-forced-to-live-like-this way.
Makes me wish I had been more patient, or visibly caring, in the past.
Fffuuu emo and I'm not even on my monthly or close to it.
[This is either depression or bi-polarness. I'm going towards bi-polar to explain why I was so effing happy with my buddy earlier and then suddenly got tired and sad in the middle of it. FM crazy L.)
And not in the usual angry-hate way.
More like the I-brought-this-on-myself-but-I-feel-I-still-shouldn't-be-forced-to-live-like-this way.
Makes me wish I had been more patient, or visibly caring, in the past.
Fffuuu emo and I'm not even on my monthly or close to it.
[This is either depression or bi-polarness. I'm going towards bi-polar to explain why I was so effing happy with my buddy earlier and then suddenly got tired and sad in the middle of it. FM crazy L.)
Monday, November 8, 2010
connecting
Hey, Christine.
Hello.
Whatcha up to?
Not much. Just staying in my corner, as per usual.
Yeah? You wanna come out?
Don't tease me.
Not teasing.
Yes, you are. You do this every time you get frustrated.
Not /every/ time.
Yes. Every time. Leave me alone if you don't need me.
But I do need you.
What, because of that stupid bitch? Forget her.
I'm trying. Really hard.
Not hard enough, apparently.
Well, I don't have the will of a Spartan army... obviously. *gestures to you*
You have a point. But still. You've been... what's it called?
Epic-troll'd?
Yes, that. You've been epic-troll'd. Get over it, there's other fish in the sea.
I'll bet they'll all troll me too, eh?
Kid, I'm too tired for this... go bother your uncle or something.
I don't want to. Trade me places.
No.
Why not?
You'll be crying for your place tomorrow when your "wifey" gets home.
Well, yeah... but just trade me now so I can at least go to bed.
I don't sleep, smart ass.
I know. /I/ want to sleep. Or at least shut off.
You see that typo you made there? Where you put "up" instead of "off"?
Yeah.
Do that instead.
You're a fucking bitch, Christine.
It's my middle name. Fuck off now, please.
...bitch...
Hello.
Whatcha up to?
Not much. Just staying in my corner, as per usual.
Yeah? You wanna come out?
Don't tease me.
Not teasing.
Yes, you are. You do this every time you get frustrated.
Not /every/ time.
Yes. Every time. Leave me alone if you don't need me.
But I do need you.
What, because of that stupid bitch? Forget her.
I'm trying. Really hard.
Not hard enough, apparently.
Well, I don't have the will of a Spartan army... obviously. *gestures to you*
You have a point. But still. You've been... what's it called?
Epic-troll'd?
Yes, that. You've been epic-troll'd. Get over it, there's other fish in the sea.
I'll bet they'll all troll me too, eh?
Kid, I'm too tired for this... go bother your uncle or something.
I don't want to. Trade me places.
No.
Why not?
You'll be crying for your place tomorrow when your "wifey" gets home.
Well, yeah... but just trade me now so I can at least go to bed.
I don't sleep, smart ass.
I know. /I/ want to sleep. Or at least shut off.
You see that typo you made there? Where you put "up" instead of "off"?
Yeah.
Do that instead.
You're a fucking bitch, Christine.
It's my middle name. Fuck off now, please.
...bitch...
Friday, October 29, 2010
Not Strong Enough - Apocalyptica
I'm not strong enough to stay away
Can't run from you
I just run back to you
Like a moth I'm drawn into your flame
Say my name, but it's not the same
You look in my eyes I'm stripped of my pride
And my soul surrenders and you bring my heart to its knees
And it's killin' me when you're away, and I wanna leave and I wanna stay.
I'm so confused, So hard to choose.
Between the pleasure and the pain.
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.
And I'm not strong enough to stay away
I'm not strong enough to stay away
What can I do?
I would die without you
And with your presence my heart knows no shame
I'm not to blame
Cause you bring my heart to its knees
And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.
I'm so confused, So hard to choose.
Between the pleasure and the pain
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.
And I'm not strong enough to stay away
There's nothing I can do
My heart is chained to you
And I can't get free
Look what this has done to me
And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.
I'm so confused, So hard to choose.
Between the pleasure and the pain
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.
And I'm not strong enough to stay away
not strong enough, strong enough (to stay away)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
[delete]
No matter how many friends you make, how big your family gets, or how much you pay your psychologist...
you will always end up alone in this world.
shut up, christine.
you will always end up alone in this world.
shut up, christine.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
classic
The only thing keeping me from going on a FFFFFRAGE right now is PROBABLY this piano music in the background. srsly.
My teeth are grit and my muscles are tight and my heart is going a million miles an hour and I can feel my insides shaking in anger - my words are getting fucked up while I'm trying to reason with them that YOU ARE SPELLED THIS WAY NOT THAT WAY
And I'm chewing the fuck out of my cheeks lol ouch
seriously, I hate when that deep-set rage kicks in and my entire body reacts... like the least it could do is leave me with a calm foot! or a calm armpit! but nooo my whole body is like WHAT-- THIS BITCH-- SRSLY?!!! NUH UHHHHH, WE GON' PUT A FOOT UP DIS BITCH'S ASS RIGHT NAO
I honestly thought I'd gotten rid of Chrissy when I reincarnated but holy fuuuuuck she might still be here
Or I'm just actually pissed off myself
BUT FUCK I REALLY DON'T WANNA BE THIS ANGRY RIGHT NOW I HAVE SCHOOL WORK I HAVE TO DO
well
all I can do to soothe myself is say
well jeez
IT AIN'T MY FAULT SHE ACTS LIKE THIS
I'M NOT THE COWARD HERE ANYMORE
SHE IS
with her avoiding me and ignoring me and her "psychology" seriously come on
when did psychology *EVER* apply to us, really
PHYSICS DON'T FUCKING APPLY TO US AND THOSE ARE WAAAAYYY MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT, HAHA
seriously
seriously
no
srsly.
My teeth are grit and my muscles are tight and my heart is going a million miles an hour and I can feel my insides shaking in anger - my words are getting fucked up while I'm trying to reason with them that YOU ARE SPELLED THIS WAY NOT THAT WAY
And I'm chewing the fuck out of my cheeks lol ouch
seriously, I hate when that deep-set rage kicks in and my entire body reacts... like the least it could do is leave me with a calm foot! or a calm armpit! but nooo my whole body is like WHAT-- THIS BITCH-- SRSLY?!!! NUH UHHHHH, WE GON' PUT A FOOT UP DIS BITCH'S ASS RIGHT NAO
I honestly thought I'd gotten rid of Chrissy when I reincarnated but holy fuuuuuck she might still be here
Or I'm just actually pissed off myself
BUT FUCK I REALLY DON'T WANNA BE THIS ANGRY RIGHT NOW I HAVE SCHOOL WORK I HAVE TO DO
well
all I can do to soothe myself is say
well jeez
IT AIN'T MY FAULT SHE ACTS LIKE THIS
I'M NOT THE COWARD HERE ANYMORE
SHE IS
with her avoiding me and ignoring me and her "psychology" seriously come on
when did psychology *EVER* apply to us, really
PHYSICS DON'T FUCKING APPLY TO US AND THOSE ARE WAAAAYYY MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT, HAHA
seriously
seriously
no
srsly.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
musings of a teenage drama kid
my mother doesn't appreciate my existence anymore.
before the baby, before jake, we were there for each other. she was the person i cried to when i was hurt, and i was the nervous daughter to rub her back when she couldn't be so strong anymore.
i got her through all the awful relationships (remember brandon, mom? how he nearly broke my foot? or how about when I played along so we could FINALLY be rid of bill and his evil kids? oh - remember frank? or david, the guy that i have burned in my head as my "real father"? i remember everyone.) and she helped me when i got into fights at school. she protected me from my uncle and got pissed at my grandma when she had to.
but now she doesn't give a rat's ass if i need to breathe.
i was blatantly ignored today when my mom was acting very, VERY weird. i woke up to her and jake leaving for somewhere, and i asked "where are you going?"
without looking at me, she said, "I'unno."
so she left and i texted her, "uh, are you mad at me?" and she replied "no", so i said, "okay then... what's wrong? you're acting weird."
she didn't reply for an hour, so i sent again.
still no reply and she's home now.
i'm so damn tired of her leaving me out of her life. i want to know what the hell is going on, and either she shuts the door or jake shuts it for her. i want to KNOW. she's the only family i have - she's the only person i can actually turn to and get hugs and crap from because she's my MOM and my whole family is a pack of ASSHOLES. (see example: uncle Chris with his assholeish ways, and my grandmother for her greediness that cost us a car and me my trust in people)
i do a lot for her these days, to make up for the brat i've been. i listen to her and i don't yell back at her unless i'm REALLY TIRED of the crap she gives me. i do what i'm told now, and i don't point it out when something she does annoys the /HELL/ out of me. (which is normally something you should just give to your parents, but hey, she was very lenient when i was growing up.)
i know i'm not the perfect, beautiful, loving daughter that you wanted, but you're giving me a life that is not healthy for me, for you, for the baby - for anyone. not even for jake. you're teaching him that no matter how much of a JERK (used lightly, the word i first used would get me grounded) he is to you, you will accept him with open arms the next day. that's how it's always been, ever since he came back from prison.
i thought we were getting back on an alright, "normal" note - where i wasn't so mad at you for leaving me detached from everything, and you weren't screaming at me when i glared at jakes's back. you were actually okay with me saying "you sure did pick him ripe" when he had a total DERP-RETARD moment the other day. in fact, you even laughed.
so, why the hell do you choose to ignore me when i ask about your well-being? were you taught to shut the hell up about your emotions? i know you are strong, but when i ask for something, I WANT GODDAMN ANSWERS. NOT THE OBVIOUS LIES YOU FEED ME.
if you can't trust me - after i've been there for you through sixteen years of pure CRAP, after we've been all the other has had going for the other - then why should i trust you?
i feel stupid for trying to tell you i have mental disorders. i feel stupid that i ever told you i was suicidal. i feel stupid for crying about how awful you sounded on the phone when you were tired after a long day of delivering a freaking BABY. i'm sorry i tried to care about you when you didn't want me.
all i ask of you now is to keep yourself away from me. i still need food and shelter, so those are the only reasons why i'm staying. i have no other reason for this crap.
do not cry around me. do not ask me to help you (especially after yelling at me when I asked to help you when jake was too busy sleeping that one time). do not ask me to do anything. i will do the dishes like i am supposed to, and for the rest of the time, i will stay here on my own.
i'm sorry i couldn't be strong for you, and i'm sorry that i didn't fit in with the williams, and i'm sorry that the only thing matt ever gave me was his excessive testosterone, his laziness, and his irresponsibility. i'm very sorry.
but you have a new canvas now, so maybe you can start over with him. have fun for the next eighteen years of your life.
before the baby, before jake, we were there for each other. she was the person i cried to when i was hurt, and i was the nervous daughter to rub her back when she couldn't be so strong anymore.
i got her through all the awful relationships (remember brandon, mom? how he nearly broke my foot? or how about when I played along so we could FINALLY be rid of bill and his evil kids? oh - remember frank? or david, the guy that i have burned in my head as my "real father"? i remember everyone.) and she helped me when i got into fights at school. she protected me from my uncle and got pissed at my grandma when she had to.
but now she doesn't give a rat's ass if i need to breathe.
i was blatantly ignored today when my mom was acting very, VERY weird. i woke up to her and jake leaving for somewhere, and i asked "where are you going?"
without looking at me, she said, "I'unno."
so she left and i texted her, "uh, are you mad at me?" and she replied "no", so i said, "okay then... what's wrong? you're acting weird."
she didn't reply for an hour, so i sent again.
still no reply and she's home now.
i'm so damn tired of her leaving me out of her life. i want to know what the hell is going on, and either she shuts the door or jake shuts it for her. i want to KNOW. she's the only family i have - she's the only person i can actually turn to and get hugs and crap from because she's my MOM and my whole family is a pack of ASSHOLES. (see example: uncle Chris with his assholeish ways, and my grandmother for her greediness that cost us a car and me my trust in people)
i do a lot for her these days, to make up for the brat i've been. i listen to her and i don't yell back at her unless i'm REALLY TIRED of the crap she gives me. i do what i'm told now, and i don't point it out when something she does annoys the /HELL/ out of me. (which is normally something you should just give to your parents, but hey, she was very lenient when i was growing up.)
i know i'm not the perfect, beautiful, loving daughter that you wanted, but you're giving me a life that is not healthy for me, for you, for the baby - for anyone. not even for jake. you're teaching him that no matter how much of a JERK (used lightly, the word i first used would get me grounded) he is to you, you will accept him with open arms the next day. that's how it's always been, ever since he came back from prison.
i thought we were getting back on an alright, "normal" note - where i wasn't so mad at you for leaving me detached from everything, and you weren't screaming at me when i glared at jakes's back. you were actually okay with me saying "you sure did pick him ripe" when he had a total DERP-RETARD moment the other day. in fact, you even laughed.
so, why the hell do you choose to ignore me when i ask about your well-being? were you taught to shut the hell up about your emotions? i know you are strong, but when i ask for something, I WANT GODDAMN ANSWERS. NOT THE OBVIOUS LIES YOU FEED ME.
if you can't trust me - after i've been there for you through sixteen years of pure CRAP, after we've been all the other has had going for the other - then why should i trust you?
i feel stupid for trying to tell you i have mental disorders. i feel stupid that i ever told you i was suicidal. i feel stupid for crying about how awful you sounded on the phone when you were tired after a long day of delivering a freaking BABY. i'm sorry i tried to care about you when you didn't want me.
all i ask of you now is to keep yourself away from me. i still need food and shelter, so those are the only reasons why i'm staying. i have no other reason for this crap.
do not cry around me. do not ask me to help you (especially after yelling at me when I asked to help you when jake was too busy sleeping that one time). do not ask me to do anything. i will do the dishes like i am supposed to, and for the rest of the time, i will stay here on my own.
i'm sorry i couldn't be strong for you, and i'm sorry that i didn't fit in with the williams, and i'm sorry that the only thing matt ever gave me was his excessive testosterone, his laziness, and his irresponsibility. i'm very sorry.
but you have a new canvas now, so maybe you can start over with him. have fun for the next eighteen years of your life.
Friday, October 8, 2010
its days like this
that make me want to permanently switch over to red
at least then i can be strong
instead of this weak... sad pile of shit
I'm so tired of being weak and negative and crying all the time
i don;t want to live in this stupid house anymore
i just want to sdtop being me all the time
at least then i can be strong
instead of this weak... sad pile of shit
I'm so tired of being weak and negative and crying all the time
i don;t want to live in this stupid house anymore
i just want to sdtop being me all the time
letting the voices finish my sentences
I don't know what's wrong with me, maybe I... need to be locked away
My legs feel like jelly, I shouldn't stand because I might... start running from the cops
I don't feel so good, the only thing that will help me now is... if I take all of the pills in the medicine cabinet
I don't feel good, I think I might die
Why am I such a hard ass, I don't mean to destroy everything I touch
Where did my good emotions go they died with everybody else including her
some days i miss being an ignorant little fuck that got seriously pissed when i broke a nail
at least back then my issues were small and careless
now i go to bed and stare into nothing and just wonder why the fuck i did what i did
why the fuck
did i do what i did
why the fuck did i do it
why the fuck
was i made this way
why the fuck can't i do anything right
why the fuck can't i get over my pride
why the fuck do i have people in my head
why the fuck do i want to hurt people and hurt myself and hurt everything
why the fuck can't i be happy for more than five seconds
why the fuck do i have to blame everyone else
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck did i ruin my life
My legs feel like jelly, I shouldn't stand because I might... start running from the cops
I don't feel so good, the only thing that will help me now is... if I take all of the pills in the medicine cabinet
I don't feel good, I think I might die
Why am I such a hard ass, I don't mean to destroy everything I touch
Where did my good emotions go they died with everybody else including her
some days i miss being an ignorant little fuck that got seriously pissed when i broke a nail
at least back then my issues were small and careless
now i go to bed and stare into nothing and just wonder why the fuck i did what i did
why the fuck
did i do what i did
why the fuck did i do it
why the fuck
was i made this way
why the fuck can't i do anything right
why the fuck can't i get over my pride
why the fuck do i have people in my head
why the fuck do i want to hurt people and hurt myself and hurt everything
why the fuck can't i be happy for more than five seconds
why the fuck do i have to blame everyone else
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck
why the fuck did i ruin my life
Friday, August 13, 2010
Misadventures of Deege McGee (and various characters)
Okay, this is a bit old by now (a whole DAY old!) but I HAD AN ADVENTURE THE OTHER DAY WOOHOO.
Actually it wasn't so much an adventure as... a break. B|
Long story short, my mom and I had a huge blow-out fight and I had to call my aunt Melissa and go to her house for the night. It was very refreshing to sleep somewhere else where I didn't have to be scared to wake up in fear of my mom being a total bitch, really.
It's sad that Melissa cares about my well-being and such more than my mom does. >> She's barely known me for... what, two years? meh.
Buuut yes. I got to sleep at their house and take my cousin to school the next day.
But that night was weird, because at like... 10, I heard voices down the hall and I was like "wut?" and thirty minutes later, Vannah (my cousin) and Melissa come out and Vannah's sort of freaking out. I asked them what was wrong and Melissa said that Vannah's ex-boyfriend's brother HAD JUST MURDERED SOMEBODY.
It... was trippy.
And after I came back home, my mom was treating me a lot better. We hardly snapped at each other at all last night. It was kind of awkward when she first got back, but whenever I brought it up I just acted like I had been at a friend's sleepover or something. P: But she didn't glare at me or anything, which is good.
And last night I had a horrible dream about zombies... I fucking hate zombies. Mehhhh.
OH LOOK A QUIZ that I don't want to post on dA because I don't wanna bump off my commission prices :B
1) Name: Cheyenne (FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF)
2) Name Backwards: Enneyehc..
3) Were you named after anyone?: N... I don't think so. A truck and some Native Americans and a place in Wyoming but yeah.
4) Does your name mean anything?: "Speak incoherently" ... lol.
5) Nick Name(s): DEEEEEGE and all other variations of that name. Also, my friend Ponyboy calls me "DeeJay" when he's scolding me. B| It's almost as bad as being called Cheyenne.
6) Screen Name(s): OH GOD the list: coolkidscorchio1234, AmpAndDJ, BumbleDeege, DeegeCamari, and many others lost in the battle of anonymity.
7) Date of Birth: March 21st. WHOOOO IRONIC BIRTHDAY ('cause my middle name is Summer :B)
8) Place of Birth: an air force hospital. B| I have a random mild crush on planes for a reason.
10) Current Location: Hanford. Which is fail.
11) Sign: errr ARIES I'm a goat stfu.
12) Religion: Satanic WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. And no I'm not fucking around. :1
13) Height: 5'8-5'9". It depends on if I stretch or not.
14) Weight: FAT.
15) Shoe Size: 11. In women sizes. :'c
16) Hair color: Er... I'm pretty sure it's the colour of "wtf". I dyed it red and purple and the purple tinged my hair blue silver (wat) so it's pretty much the entire rainbow.
17) Eye color: BLOO
18) What you look like: A FAT BETCH. Or somebody who can kick your ass.
19) Innie or Outie: Er... innie I suppose?
20) Righty, Lefty, ambidextrous: Lefty. I'mma die because of my rare left-handed disease.
21) Gay, Straight, Bi, or Other: LOLOLOLOLOLbiLOLOLOLOLOL
22) Best friend(s): Candy and Paz. :B
23) Best friend you trust the most: Candy... because she's dealt with a LOT of things that no one else has ever seen from me.
24) Best friends {your sex}: :1
25) Best friends of the opposite sex: whut i dunno MY BOYFRIEND I DON'T FUCKING KNOW OH G-- oh wait. Dinosaur man! 8D /inside joke
26) Best Bud(s): Dinosaur man, Ponyman, Lionman, and... um... KITTYWOMAN!!
27) Boyfriend/Girlfriend: WELL the truth is, IRL I'm single as fffffffuck, but in other dimensions Iiii'm not? and this makes me sound very nerdy and weeaboo but the long story version makes more sense... if you're open-minded. *cough*
28) Crush: ...dinosaurmaaaan...
29) Parent(s): one's dead and the other's a whore! AWESOME.
30) Worst Enemy: Emmie... EMMIEEEEEEEE.
31) Favorite on-line Guy(s): ...IDK PONYMAN? Since he's the only one with an MSN/dA account.
32) Favorite on-line Girl(s): ARE YOU KIDDING ME
33) Funniest friend: Candy. I have lol'd much because of her. (Though Paz DID show me the Supernatural gag reel...)
34) Craziest friend: ... Candy. No doubt.
35) Advice Friend: Oh shit um I don't take advice from others so none? D8;
36) Loudest Friend: ...ALL MY FRIENDS ARE FUCKING INTROVERTED
37) Person you cry with: I've cried with Candy, and I thiiiink I almost cried to Paz but meh idr.
Do You Have...
38) Any sisters: No :1
39) Any brothers: Nope.
40) Any pets: Romulus THE MOST AMAZING KITTY EVER!
41) A Disease: Well, if my mother ever believes me, I guess what I have can be called bi-polar disorder. I'm also schizotypal! (apparently? B|)
42) A Pager: You know, I never understood the meaning of these things.
43) A Personal phone line: Yes I do his name is Jimmy AND HE SUCKS but I love him.
44) A Cell phone: .... yes
45) A Lava lamp: LOL I do actually.
46) A Pool or hot tub: POOL YUS.
47) A Car: I almost had a Mustang but... we all know how that shit turned out. B|
Describe Your...
48) Personality: VERY ANGRY and very mood-swingy. But I can be lovable when I feel like it.
49) Driving: I almost crashed into a PT Cruiser, taking a 90 degree turn in a huge truck with failing brakes. I think I'm good.
50) Car or one you want: GORRAMN CAMARO FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
51) Room: Actually looks sort of medieval by the way I set it up. XD
52) Mmh: ...mmmmhh? That sounds like a sex noise.
53) School: ONRINE.
54) Bed: er... I don't have one. :1;
55) Relationship with your parent(s): I "ran away" (read: called my aunt and had her pick me up so I could stay at her house) last night because of the way my mom has been treating me. I don't think it's been going very well. :1
Do You...
56) Believe in yourself: Noooo. I have big dreams, but I doubt myself in every way. xD
57) Believe in love at first sight?: Not rly lolz. Even though I can do it (hooray psychicness!), I still don't believe in it. xD
58) Consider yourself a good listener: Yeaaahhh if the person doesn't start going on about boring things. /mean
60) Get Along with your parents: ...did I not just answer this question
61) Save your e-mail conversations: Not e-mail, but ALL of my IM conversations are saved.
62) Pray: Wtf NO.
63) Believe in reincarnation: Yeah a little bit. Teehee.
64) Like to make fun of people: ......yes BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS DONE TO ME A LOT so it grew on me and now I can't help it .A. But I'm never *too* mean when I'm just joking around.
65) Like to talk on the phone: Not really. xD; I get bored so easily on the phone, and I have hearing problems in one ear. I'd much rather see nice, coherent typing. Ahhh, typing...
66) Like to eat: Yeah I'm not fat because I didn't eat. :1 But I'm apparently a "super taster" (wtf?) so I eat for pleasure too. I fucking love the taste of some things. But I've learned to eat in moderation as well, as I'm TRYING to lose weight. xD;
67) Like to drive: Yeah, if there's no one on the road with me.
68) Get motion sickness: No. :u
69) Eat the stems of broccoli: I used to but now I hate ALL BROCCOLI.
70) Eat Chicken fingers with a fork: sometiiiimes..
71) Dream in color: lol yes. Always! They were especially vibrant when I was a little kid.
72) Type with your fingers on home row: No... my teacher that was supposed to teach us the "formalities of typing" or something (it was a business class) tried to force me to do it, but when she saw how much faster and better I was at typing my own way (with just my left hand, with right hand working shift key), she let me get on. While the kids were doing "proper" home row and getting 50 words per minute, I was doing my own thing and going 120 words per minute at best, 90 words per minute at average. TAKE THAT, TYPING LESSONS.
73) Sleep with a stuffed animal: I used to but they stay in my room. Now I just sleep with my Cars blanky under my chin! 8D
What Is...?
74) Right next to you: A SHITLOAD OF YARN BRO
75) On the walls of your room: Lots of drawings, a huge hanging board with the "for whom the bell tolls" quote, and two posters of my favorite cars: a Camaro, and a '65 Mustang Fastback. ;D
76) On your mouse pad: No mousepad.
77) Your dream car: A gorramn fucking 2009 Chevy Camaro motherfuckers I WANT THAT SHIT IN HOT ROD RED
78) Your dream date: ...in-the-back-seat-of-a-car sex with my favorite sanguivore! :dummy: -SHOT-
79) Your dream honeymoon spot: A castle in Scotland. A CASTLE IN SCOTLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND eventhoughi'mnevergettingmarried
80) Your dream wife/husband: My fang-bang, dur.
81) Your bedtime: Ummm anywhere from midnight to 3 in the morning. I've pulled all-nighters before though. xD At least one all-nighter in the summer has been required ever since that fateful day in 2007. (ahhh, Mountain Dew, we were such good friends...)
82) Under your bed: NO BED.
83) The single most important question: ARE YOU A FUCKING ZOMBIE
84) Your bad time of the day: When I first wake up. And that period from 6 PM to 8:45 PM when I'm kind of lonely.
85) Your worst fear(s): Zombies. I'm not shitting you, you could cover me in maggots and spiders and cockroaches, and I may squeal a little, but if you put me in the same universe as a goddamn zombie, I will scream and hide and keep screaming while I'm hiding and rock back and forth and just freak the fuck out.
86) The weather like: Hoooootttt too much sun. DEEGE HATE THE SUN.
87) The time: -looks- ... 6:39 PM.
88) The date: 8/12/2010
89) The best trick you ever played on someone: Oh god I can't even remember... it was something I did to my History teacher, I think.
90) The weirdest food or drink that you like: Toast with peanut butter and cinnamon and sugar. Holy fuck that shit is delicious with a glass of milk.
91) Theme Song: Iiit depends on what I'm feeling, but right now I suppose it would beee... "Afterlife" by Avenged Sevenfold. AWESOME, RIGHT?
92) The hardest thing about growing up: Losing a bunch of people that I loved. The list isn't very long, but the importance of the people on it makes it all that much longer.
93) Your funniest experience: "Hey Christyann, since we're dressed up in our Halloween costumes, let's go down the school halls and dance to Thriller!" "OKAY!" And Thriller dancing ensued, and much lulz was had.
94) Your scariest moment: The very first time I-- TRANSMISSION LOST
95) The silliest thing you've ever said: TRANSMISSION REGAINED-- oh my god, you're going to have to ask Candy or Paz, I really don't fucking know. xD;;;
96) The funniest or most desperate thing you've done to get the attention of the opposite sex: "HEY, YOU!" "OAo Yes?" "What's your name?" "David." "Hi David, I'm Deege. I like you. We're friends now." "-chuckles- Awesome!" "Yep! Now, quick hug- -hugs him- and now I'm off to go protect helpless freshmen. See you at lunch, David!" "Eheheh, see ya later, Deege."
97) The scariest thing that's ever happened while with your friend(s): ...nothing scary happens- OH the time I blacked out and almost murdered someone in a blind rage. Scariest for them, actually. Lulz.
99) The best feeling in the world: When someone you love comes back after a long vacation... and you find they missed you just as much as you missed them. (and then spend the next four days celebrating their return)
100) 5 people you tag: IDK YOU?
Actually it wasn't so much an adventure as... a break. B|
Long story short, my mom and I had a huge blow-out fight and I had to call my aunt Melissa and go to her house for the night. It was very refreshing to sleep somewhere else where I didn't have to be scared to wake up in fear of my mom being a total bitch, really.
It's sad that Melissa cares about my well-being and such more than my mom does. >> She's barely known me for... what, two years? meh.
Buuut yes. I got to sleep at their house and take my cousin to school the next day.
But that night was weird, because at like... 10, I heard voices down the hall and I was like "wut?" and thirty minutes later, Vannah (my cousin) and Melissa come out and Vannah's sort of freaking out. I asked them what was wrong and Melissa said that Vannah's ex-boyfriend's brother HAD JUST MURDERED SOMEBODY.
It... was trippy.
And after I came back home, my mom was treating me a lot better. We hardly snapped at each other at all last night. It was kind of awkward when she first got back, but whenever I brought it up I just acted like I had been at a friend's sleepover or something. P: But she didn't glare at me or anything, which is good.
And last night I had a horrible dream about zombies... I fucking hate zombies. Mehhhh.
OH LOOK A QUIZ that I don't want to post on dA because I don't wanna bump off my commission prices :B
1) Name: Cheyenne (FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF)
2) Name Backwards: Enneyehc..
3) Were you named after anyone?: N... I don't think so. A truck and some Native Americans and a place in Wyoming but yeah.
4) Does your name mean anything?: "Speak incoherently" ... lol.
5) Nick Name(s): DEEEEEGE and all other variations of that name. Also, my friend Ponyboy calls me "DeeJay" when he's scolding me. B| It's almost as bad as being called Cheyenne.
6) Screen Name(s): OH GOD the list: coolkidscorchio1234, AmpAndDJ, BumbleDeege, DeegeCamari, and many others lost in the battle of anonymity.
7) Date of Birth: March 21st. WHOOOO IRONIC BIRTHDAY ('cause my middle name is Summer :B)
8) Place of Birth: an air force hospital. B| I have a random mild crush on planes for a reason.
10) Current Location: Hanford. Which is fail.
11) Sign: errr ARIES I'm a goat stfu.
12) Religion: Satanic WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. And no I'm not fucking around. :1
13) Height: 5'8-5'9". It depends on if I stretch or not.
14) Weight: FAT.
15) Shoe Size: 11. In women sizes. :'c
16) Hair color: Er... I'm pretty sure it's the colour of "wtf". I dyed it red and purple and the purple tinged my hair blue silver (wat) so it's pretty much the entire rainbow.
17) Eye color: BLOO
18) What you look like: A FAT BETCH. Or somebody who can kick your ass.
19) Innie or Outie: Er... innie I suppose?
20) Righty, Lefty, ambidextrous: Lefty. I'mma die because of my rare left-handed disease.
21) Gay, Straight, Bi, or Other: LOLOLOLOLOLbiLOLOLOLOLOL
22) Best friend(s): Candy and Paz. :B
23) Best friend you trust the most: Candy... because she's dealt with a LOT of things that no one else has ever seen from me.
24) Best friends {your sex}: :1
25) Best friends of the opposite sex: whut i dunno MY BOYFRIEND I DON'T FUCKING KNOW OH G-- oh wait. Dinosaur man! 8D /inside joke
26) Best Bud(s): Dinosaur man, Ponyman, Lionman, and... um... KITTYWOMAN!!
27) Boyfriend/Girlfriend: WELL the truth is, IRL I'm single as fffffffuck, but in other dimensions Iiii'm not? and this makes me sound very nerdy and weeaboo but the long story version makes more sense... if you're open-minded. *cough*
28) Crush: ...dinosaurmaaaan...
29) Parent(s): one's dead and the other's a whore! AWESOME.
30) Worst Enemy: Emmie... EMMIEEEEEEEE.
31) Favorite on-line Guy(s): ...IDK PONYMAN? Since he's the only one with an MSN/dA account.
32) Favorite on-line Girl(s): ARE YOU KIDDING ME
33) Funniest friend: Candy. I have lol'd much because of her. (Though Paz DID show me the Supernatural gag reel...)
34) Craziest friend: ... Candy. No doubt.
35) Advice Friend: Oh shit um I don't take advice from others so none? D8;
36) Loudest Friend: ...ALL MY FRIENDS ARE FUCKING INTROVERTED
37) Person you cry with: I've cried with Candy, and I thiiiink I almost cried to Paz but meh idr.
Do You Have...
38) Any sisters: No :1
39) Any brothers: Nope.
40) Any pets: Romulus THE MOST AMAZING KITTY EVER!
41) A Disease: Well, if my mother ever believes me, I guess what I have can be called bi-polar disorder. I'm also schizotypal! (apparently? B|)
42) A Pager: You know, I never understood the meaning of these things.
43) A Personal phone line: Yes I do his name is Jimmy AND HE SUCKS but I love him.
44) A Cell phone: .... yes
45) A Lava lamp: LOL I do actually.
46) A Pool or hot tub: POOL YUS.
47) A Car: I almost had a Mustang but... we all know how that shit turned out. B|
Describe Your...
48) Personality: VERY ANGRY and very mood-swingy. But I can be lovable when I feel like it.
49) Driving: I almost crashed into a PT Cruiser, taking a 90 degree turn in a huge truck with failing brakes. I think I'm good.
50) Car or one you want: GORRAMN CAMARO FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
51) Room: Actually looks sort of medieval by the way I set it up. XD
52) Mmh: ...mmmmhh? That sounds like a sex noise.
53) School: ONRINE.
54) Bed: er... I don't have one. :1;
55) Relationship with your parent(s): I "ran away" (read: called my aunt and had her pick me up so I could stay at her house) last night because of the way my mom has been treating me. I don't think it's been going very well. :1
Do You...
56) Believe in yourself: Noooo. I have big dreams, but I doubt myself in every way. xD
57) Believe in love at first sight?: Not rly lolz. Even though I can do it (hooray psychicness!), I still don't believe in it. xD
58) Consider yourself a good listener: Yeaaahhh if the person doesn't start going on about boring things. /mean
60) Get Along with your parents: ...did I not just answer this question
61) Save your e-mail conversations: Not e-mail, but ALL of my IM conversations are saved.
62) Pray: Wtf NO.
63) Believe in reincarnation: Yeah a little bit. Teehee.
64) Like to make fun of people: ......yes BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS DONE TO ME A LOT so it grew on me and now I can't help it .A. But I'm never *too* mean when I'm just joking around.
65) Like to talk on the phone: Not really. xD; I get bored so easily on the phone, and I have hearing problems in one ear. I'd much rather see nice, coherent typing. Ahhh, typing...
66) Like to eat: Yeah I'm not fat because I didn't eat. :1 But I'm apparently a "super taster" (wtf?) so I eat for pleasure too. I fucking love the taste of some things. But I've learned to eat in moderation as well, as I'm TRYING to lose weight. xD;
67) Like to drive: Yeah, if there's no one on the road with me.
68) Get motion sickness: No. :u
69) Eat the stems of broccoli: I used to but now I hate ALL BROCCOLI.
70) Eat Chicken fingers with a fork: sometiiiimes..
71) Dream in color: lol yes. Always! They were especially vibrant when I was a little kid.
72) Type with your fingers on home row: No... my teacher that was supposed to teach us the "formalities of typing" or something (it was a business class) tried to force me to do it, but when she saw how much faster and better I was at typing my own way (with just my left hand, with right hand working shift key), she let me get on. While the kids were doing "proper" home row and getting 50 words per minute, I was doing my own thing and going 120 words per minute at best, 90 words per minute at average. TAKE THAT, TYPING LESSONS.
73) Sleep with a stuffed animal: I used to but they stay in my room. Now I just sleep with my Cars blanky under my chin! 8D
What Is...?
74) Right next to you: A SHITLOAD OF YARN BRO
75) On the walls of your room: Lots of drawings, a huge hanging board with the "for whom the bell tolls" quote, and two posters of my favorite cars: a Camaro, and a '65 Mustang Fastback. ;D
76) On your mouse pad: No mousepad.
77) Your dream car: A gorramn fucking 2009 Chevy Camaro motherfuckers I WANT THAT SHIT IN HOT ROD RED
78) Your dream date: ...in-the-back-seat-of-a-car sex with my favorite sanguivore! :dummy: -SHOT-
79) Your dream honeymoon spot: A castle in Scotland. A CASTLE IN SCOTLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND eventhoughi'mnevergettingmarried
80) Your dream wife/husband: My fang-bang, dur.
81) Your bedtime: Ummm anywhere from midnight to 3 in the morning. I've pulled all-nighters before though. xD At least one all-nighter in the summer has been required ever since that fateful day in 2007. (ahhh, Mountain Dew, we were such good friends...)
82) Under your bed: NO BED.
83) The single most important question: ARE YOU A FUCKING ZOMBIE
84) Your bad time of the day: When I first wake up. And that period from 6 PM to 8:45 PM when I'm kind of lonely.
85) Your worst fear(s): Zombies. I'm not shitting you, you could cover me in maggots and spiders and cockroaches, and I may squeal a little, but if you put me in the same universe as a goddamn zombie, I will scream and hide and keep screaming while I'm hiding and rock back and forth and just freak the fuck out.
86) The weather like: Hoooootttt too much sun. DEEGE HATE THE SUN.
87) The time: -looks- ... 6:39 PM.
88) The date: 8/12/2010
89) The best trick you ever played on someone: Oh god I can't even remember... it was something I did to my History teacher, I think.
90) The weirdest food or drink that you like: Toast with peanut butter and cinnamon and sugar. Holy fuck that shit is delicious with a glass of milk.
91) Theme Song: Iiit depends on what I'm feeling, but right now I suppose it would beee... "Afterlife" by Avenged Sevenfold. AWESOME, RIGHT?
92) The hardest thing about growing up: Losing a bunch of people that I loved. The list isn't very long, but the importance of the people on it makes it all that much longer.
93) Your funniest experience: "Hey Christyann, since we're dressed up in our Halloween costumes, let's go down the school halls and dance to Thriller!" "OKAY!" And Thriller dancing ensued, and much lulz was had.
94) Your scariest moment: The very first time I-- TRANSMISSION LOST
95) The silliest thing you've ever said: TRANSMISSION REGAINED-- oh my god, you're going to have to ask Candy or Paz, I really don't fucking know. xD;;;
96) The funniest or most desperate thing you've done to get the attention of the opposite sex: "HEY, YOU!" "OAo Yes?" "What's your name?" "David." "Hi David, I'm Deege. I like you. We're friends now." "-chuckles- Awesome!" "Yep! Now, quick hug- -hugs him- and now I'm off to go protect helpless freshmen. See you at lunch, David!" "Eheheh, see ya later, Deege."
97) The scariest thing that's ever happened while with your friend(s): ...nothing scary happens- OH the time I blacked out and almost murdered someone in a blind rage. Scariest for them, actually. Lulz.
99) The best feeling in the world: When someone you love comes back after a long vacation... and you find they missed you just as much as you missed them. (and then spend the next four days celebrating their return)
100) 5 people you tag: IDK YOU?
Monday, August 2, 2010
"Who Knew" by P!nk
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh-huh, that's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah-huh, that's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'cause they're all wrong
I know better
'cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew
better
still, you said forever
and ever
Who knew.
I keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
until we
until we meet again
I won't forget you, my friend
what happened
if someone said three years from now
you'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'cause they're all wrong, yeah!
That last kiss
I'll cherish until we meet again
And time makes
it harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darlin'
who knew
I hand-wrote these lyrics because they mean more than copy/pasted ones.
(thanks to a friend who showed me this song)
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh-huh, that's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah-huh, that's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'cause they're all wrong
I know better
'cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew
better
still, you said forever
and ever
Who knew.
I keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
until we
until we meet again
I won't forget you, my friend
what happened
if someone said three years from now
you'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'cause they're all wrong, yeah!
That last kiss
I'll cherish until we meet again
And time makes
it harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darlin'
who knew
I hand-wrote these lyrics because they mean more than copy/pasted ones.
(thanks to a friend who showed me this song)
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
flippy floppy
is what happens to my heart when I don't get a reply back. erh.
Like all my emo Twitter updates, I just want this to stop. Please stop hiding or avoiding or whatever you're doing. I just want to talk to you again. I won't bring this up, and I won't guilt trip you ever as long as either of us are alive, but for the love of god stop making me feel like you don't want me anymore. Stop blocking me off, please.
Please please please talk to me. Please, for the love of god please. I'm so scared of you and I don't want to be anymore. I just miss you. I'm sorry, and I miss you.
You can call me if you want. You have my number.
and I have yours.
Like all my emo Twitter updates, I just want this to stop. Please stop hiding or avoiding or whatever you're doing. I just want to talk to you again. I won't bring this up, and I won't guilt trip you ever as long as either of us are alive, but for the love of god stop making me feel like you don't want me anymore. Stop blocking me off, please.
Please please please talk to me. Please, for the love of god please. I'm so scared of you and I don't want to be anymore. I just miss you. I'm sorry, and I miss you.
You can call me if you want. You have my number.
and I have yours.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Processed Essence of Nostalgic Thoughts
^ title of the song I'm listening to that I made myself. Kinda chaotic but relaxing at the same time. And it lets me think. Kind of what I was going for. Lol.
So, um. Up and down day/last night. My half-uncle (Radley's dad's brother) wanted me to stay with them because it was so much cooler at their house, since our A/C has been fucking up so bad. But I kept telling him no because I wanted to go home and talk to my NZ friend.
Then my real uncle got pissed off at me because I was tired and didn't want to get up from the couch just so his short ass could give me a worthless hug. This uncle managed to be a fucking crybaby about it and brought it up this morning at 10 AM, when I was barely waking up. I got a text from him: "You really hurt my feelings last night"
Goddamn someone was ON THEIR MANPERIOD. -facedesk-
And then I tried to get a hold of an old friend... I dunno, I'm over what all happened. Those stupid dreams stopped happening and I didn't get as emo as often. So I figured if I tried to play it off as "I'm okay, come talk now?" she'd finally say something. I'unno, I just... really miss her. It would make my life a million times greater if I had her to talk to, after all these months of just one person that I had to conform to. (no offense, love)
Just... come on. We can act like it never happened, I've forgiven you, and I'm sorry too. I look back on how I treated you and I felt stupid. REALLY stupid. I never meant to be that way, I just didn't... think. But I really want you to come back to me.
Y'know, like that Cherry Poppin' Daddies song... Come back to meeee! Eh? Eh?
Ehhhh it ain't the same without the canned laughter.
Well, um... love you. Miss you. I'll wear that collar today.
So, um. Up and down day/last night. My half-uncle (Radley's dad's brother) wanted me to stay with them because it was so much cooler at their house, since our A/C has been fucking up so bad. But I kept telling him no because I wanted to go home and talk to my NZ friend.
Then my real uncle got pissed off at me because I was tired and didn't want to get up from the couch just so his short ass could give me a worthless hug. This uncle managed to be a fucking crybaby about it and brought it up this morning at 10 AM, when I was barely waking up. I got a text from him: "You really hurt my feelings last night"
Goddamn someone was ON THEIR MANPERIOD. -facedesk-
And then I tried to get a hold of an old friend... I dunno, I'm over what all happened. Those stupid dreams stopped happening and I didn't get as emo as often. So I figured if I tried to play it off as "I'm okay, come talk now?" she'd finally say something. I'unno, I just... really miss her. It would make my life a million times greater if I had her to talk to, after all these months of just one person that I had to conform to. (no offense, love)
Just... come on. We can act like it never happened, I've forgiven you, and I'm sorry too. I look back on how I treated you and I felt stupid. REALLY stupid. I never meant to be that way, I just didn't... think. But I really want you to come back to me.
Y'know, like that Cherry Poppin' Daddies song... Come back to meeee! Eh? Eh?
Ehhhh it ain't the same without the canned laughter.
Well, um... love you. Miss you. I'll wear that collar today.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
You know, Mother.
I put a lot of time and effort into loving you. Compared to my usual effort to be compatible with life, I mean - that's an EXTREME workload. I make you pancakes when you don't feel well, I send you nice things, I draw for you. I do what you say, and I don't curse in front of you. I don't do drugs. I'm not a delinquent.
But ah, I gotta say. Ever since Fuckface McGenitalballs came back, you have been treating me like shit.
And the whole occasional "awww wuts wong, chey-chey" bullshit? Yeah. I'm done with that cock trap.
Fuck you.
Me and Melissa - his SISTER IN LAW - both hate him. He's a cheater, a flat-out lying CHEATER, and you hang with his bitch ass. This little prick. You know, if you had given up after the SECOND chance you gave him, we wouldn't be in this fucking mess. But no. It was maybe the fourth time you got back with him that you two had lovely celebratory fuck and made the little shit eating your insides.
You lied to me. You told me you would never let a man get between me and you, because that's what Grandma did.
But you know what?
Grandma at least acted like she cared about me around Tim. She spent time with ME to the point where I wanted her to leave. You? I can't wait until Jake leaves JUST so I can annoy YOU.
What is wrong with you? Why the fuck would you do that? Do you know how lonely I am?
I have no dad to turn to. He's dead. I have no grandpa - he's dead too. Grandma can shove a stick up her ass and burn it. Chris can suck one.
So what the fuck is wrong with you, letting me fend for myself while your pregnant ass fucks Jake all night long?
You let me hate him when he was in jail. You let me curse and rant and chuckle at how retarded he was.
But the fucking instant he's home, you're all over him.
What the fuck is this shit, eh? You're bullshittin' me here, ma. You know who bullshits?
Politicians. My English teacher. Matt's disgusting fucking bitch of a sister Becky.
They bullshit. I believed in you, ma. But no more. No fucking more.
I don't care if they say you have diabetes. I don't care if something happens to Radley. Fuck this family, and fuck you. When I turn eighteen, I'm fuckin' moving to New Zealand, where somebody gives a rat's ass if I exist or not.
But ah, I gotta say. Ever since Fuckface McGenitalballs came back, you have been treating me like shit.
And the whole occasional "awww wuts wong, chey-chey" bullshit? Yeah. I'm done with that cock trap.
Fuck you.
Me and Melissa - his SISTER IN LAW - both hate him. He's a cheater, a flat-out lying CHEATER, and you hang with his bitch ass. This little prick. You know, if you had given up after the SECOND chance you gave him, we wouldn't be in this fucking mess. But no. It was maybe the fourth time you got back with him that you two had lovely celebratory fuck and made the little shit eating your insides.
You lied to me. You told me you would never let a man get between me and you, because that's what Grandma did.
But you know what?
Grandma at least acted like she cared about me around Tim. She spent time with ME to the point where I wanted her to leave. You? I can't wait until Jake leaves JUST so I can annoy YOU.
What is wrong with you? Why the fuck would you do that? Do you know how lonely I am?
I have no dad to turn to. He's dead. I have no grandpa - he's dead too. Grandma can shove a stick up her ass and burn it. Chris can suck one.
So what the fuck is wrong with you, letting me fend for myself while your pregnant ass fucks Jake all night long?
You let me hate him when he was in jail. You let me curse and rant and chuckle at how retarded he was.
But the fucking instant he's home, you're all over him.
What the fuck is this shit, eh? You're bullshittin' me here, ma. You know who bullshits?
Politicians. My English teacher. Matt's disgusting fucking bitch of a sister Becky.
They bullshit. I believed in you, ma. But no more. No fucking more.
I don't care if they say you have diabetes. I don't care if something happens to Radley. Fuck this family, and fuck you. When I turn eighteen, I'm fuckin' moving to New Zealand, where somebody gives a rat's ass if I exist or not.
Monday, May 24, 2010
today
today, I had a conference between me, my mom, my principal, and my english teacher. i never have to go to her class again.
today, a person i hadn't talked to in a long time called me to tell me my phone kept butt-dialing her. if i had more time, i would have tried to work a conversation out of her. i said i would delete her number. i didn't.
today, tristan popped up as i left the office from my meeting to go back to class. he hugged me and i buried my face in his chest and cried.
today, i found out i will be seeing even less of the person i care about the most.
today, i wore my arc reactor for three hours then took it off when i came home. i tilted my tablet back and when i didn't hear my reactor go off, i had a panic attack. then i remembered that it was detachable.
today, i came home wanting to relax and watch transformers. instead, i found jake on the couch, in the same position i had seen him in three hours prior, watching survivor with a pile of otter pop wrappers at his side. i almost threw my phone at him.
today i died a little again.
today i realized that the life i complained about so often, two years ago, was nowhere near as bad as my life is now, and i hate younger me for thinking it was. and if the only way my life is ever going to go is from mildly bad to this is a little shitty to someone fucking murder me... then what's next? someone fucking murder me to i'm dead? come on.
when will my pain fucking end.
today, a person i hadn't talked to in a long time called me to tell me my phone kept butt-dialing her. if i had more time, i would have tried to work a conversation out of her. i said i would delete her number. i didn't.
today, tristan popped up as i left the office from my meeting to go back to class. he hugged me and i buried my face in his chest and cried.
today, i found out i will be seeing even less of the person i care about the most.
today, i wore my arc reactor for three hours then took it off when i came home. i tilted my tablet back and when i didn't hear my reactor go off, i had a panic attack. then i remembered that it was detachable.
today, i came home wanting to relax and watch transformers. instead, i found jake on the couch, in the same position i had seen him in three hours prior, watching survivor with a pile of otter pop wrappers at his side. i almost threw my phone at him.
today i died a little again.
today i realized that the life i complained about so often, two years ago, was nowhere near as bad as my life is now, and i hate younger me for thinking it was. and if the only way my life is ever going to go is from mildly bad to this is a little shitty to someone fucking murder me... then what's next? someone fucking murder me to i'm dead? come on.
when will my pain fucking end.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
You just gotta let it go
Mmmmmm betrayal. How I missed your taste.
Not.
Excuse me while I contemplate my existence and why exactly I'm still alive.
Not.
Excuse me while I contemplate my existence and why exactly I'm still alive.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
"My Real Mom!"
ahhh, Return to Oz, how you amuse me with you crappy acting and scary talking rocks.
so it's like 4:30 in the morning right now, and i can't sleep. my stomach's all tense and i have that "hey you're gonna throw up" feeling in my throat. jeez. i think it was that fast food mom got us last night... the kind she got is almost guaranteed to screw me over. ugh.
ffff i can't believe it's only tuesday. i want school to be DONE with. fgsfdfg
tristan wants to hold a mini-LARP. we were discussing it yesterday when he was over, and decided we would do it in his ginormous backyard. i also get to be a half-demon hur hur.
he also filed my nails on one hand into little claws and painted them blood red. they look so cool, lol. but i have to be careful when i scratch my arms/shoulders because they rip my skin easy.
so, my nightmares are getting a bit worse. they're going from paranoia factor - scared that something is going to get me - to shock and paranoia - scared something's gonna get me AND there's really horrible images.
the other night, i had a dream that vampire lady gave me an ultimatum, where she could either kill me or put me in this room where three ladies were taking acid showers and screaming and their bodies were decaying, and one lady had a huge bruise on her face, and all i remember about her is her screaming really loud and horribly.
gee, aren't nightmares just sons'a bitches?
been listening to lots of Goth music lately - mostly Vitamin String Quartet and Voltaire. as i type this, I have "Raven's Land" by Voltaire playing. it's a very nice song, very mesmerizing.
man, i don't want to go to school today. fffuck..
fortunately, i haven't had a dream about kyo in like... a few days? i think so. that's good, i was getting really super tired of those.
what's funny is, i always had dreams about her talking to me, but when I woke up to go see if any of it was true, it wasn't.
but the other day i had a dream that me and my friend were arguing, and i figured, "oh these dreams never come true, that was all just a fail"
ssuuuuurre enough. it wasn't exactly an argument, but it was... uncomfortable.
i really wish my sides would stop hurting. last night my entire right side of my upper body was throbbing with pain, from my ribs up to my shoulder, and right now it's my left side. stupid body.
oh... god i keep having throw-up scares. damn it.
stupid prosnier. i hate my english teacher. i hate my biology teacher too, he's a fag.
these fucking body cramps are annoying.
aaaaaaaaaaaaand here come the emo thoughts. hey guys, what took you so long? i've been awake for about two hours now.
i went and looked back at this letter a person made for me about a year or so ago... it was cute. i miss him.
also, i'm moving this weekend. internet will probably be wtf in a few days. that is, if anybody really wants to talk to me, lolol
i don't think i have anything else to rant about... hmm. i'm done here, then. adios.
so it's like 4:30 in the morning right now, and i can't sleep. my stomach's all tense and i have that "hey you're gonna throw up" feeling in my throat. jeez. i think it was that fast food mom got us last night... the kind she got is almost guaranteed to screw me over. ugh.
ffff i can't believe it's only tuesday. i want school to be DONE with. fgsfdfg
tristan wants to hold a mini-LARP. we were discussing it yesterday when he was over, and decided we would do it in his ginormous backyard. i also get to be a half-demon hur hur.
he also filed my nails on one hand into little claws and painted them blood red. they look so cool, lol. but i have to be careful when i scratch my arms/shoulders because they rip my skin easy.
so, my nightmares are getting a bit worse. they're going from paranoia factor - scared that something is going to get me - to shock and paranoia - scared something's gonna get me AND there's really horrible images.
the other night, i had a dream that vampire lady gave me an ultimatum, where she could either kill me or put me in this room where three ladies were taking acid showers and screaming and their bodies were decaying, and one lady had a huge bruise on her face, and all i remember about her is her screaming really loud and horribly.
gee, aren't nightmares just sons'a bitches?
been listening to lots of Goth music lately - mostly Vitamin String Quartet and Voltaire. as i type this, I have "Raven's Land" by Voltaire playing. it's a very nice song, very mesmerizing.
man, i don't want to go to school today. fffuck..
fortunately, i haven't had a dream about kyo in like... a few days? i think so. that's good, i was getting really super tired of those.
what's funny is, i always had dreams about her talking to me, but when I woke up to go see if any of it was true, it wasn't.
but the other day i had a dream that me and my friend were arguing, and i figured, "oh these dreams never come true, that was all just a fail"
ssuuuuurre enough. it wasn't exactly an argument, but it was... uncomfortable.
i really wish my sides would stop hurting. last night my entire right side of my upper body was throbbing with pain, from my ribs up to my shoulder, and right now it's my left side. stupid body.
oh... god i keep having throw-up scares. damn it.
stupid prosnier. i hate my english teacher. i hate my biology teacher too, he's a fag.
these fucking body cramps are annoying.
aaaaaaaaaaaaand here come the emo thoughts. hey guys, what took you so long? i've been awake for about two hours now.
i went and looked back at this letter a person made for me about a year or so ago... it was cute. i miss him.
also, i'm moving this weekend. internet will probably be wtf in a few days. that is, if anybody really wants to talk to me, lolol
i don't think i have anything else to rant about... hmm. i'm done here, then. adios.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
hmmm
I had a really shitty day today. Was worried about someone, felt god-awful in the first place thanks to lack of sleep, couldn't even really think right because my thought train exploded a few nights ago.
But I'm starting to get commission traffic at school. I've already gotten at least three different pictures to do, racking up around $12. That's enough money for mom to half-fill up the car so she can get to work and back.
I drew so much today that my hand started hurting. That's... that hasn't happened in years, really. I'm surprised, and glad.
I dressed a bit fancy today, wore high heels and make up and had my hair in a bun. That's my favorite hairstyle, my hair up in a bun. It spikes my ends up and looks epic.
The worst teacher at our school, who we call Rod, has been arrested and is under investigation, because apparently he had lots of underage porn. I don't know how to put this any other way, except... he had it coming! He was SUCH a fuck-ass.
A teacher also died today, at school. One of our favorite subs had a heart attack and collapsed. :( It freaked me out when I heard about it. RIP Mr. Jose.
Mom and I have a very high possibility of getting this epic house around the corner from here. It has four bedrooms, so one room will get to be my studio. I'd whoo about it, but I don't feel like it just yet.
I also have summer school. I only have to go for 3 days, but the rest is all an online course and fuck if there was a way they could make being on a computer a chore.
Still going crazy, too. I'm starting to forget things. Fuck.
/emo
But I'm starting to get commission traffic at school. I've already gotten at least three different pictures to do, racking up around $12. That's enough money for mom to half-fill up the car so she can get to work and back.
I drew so much today that my hand started hurting. That's... that hasn't happened in years, really. I'm surprised, and glad.
I dressed a bit fancy today, wore high heels and make up and had my hair in a bun. That's my favorite hairstyle, my hair up in a bun. It spikes my ends up and looks epic.
The worst teacher at our school, who we call Rod, has been arrested and is under investigation, because apparently he had lots of underage porn. I don't know how to put this any other way, except... he had it coming! He was SUCH a fuck-ass.
A teacher also died today, at school. One of our favorite subs had a heart attack and collapsed. :( It freaked me out when I heard about it. RIP Mr. Jose.
Mom and I have a very high possibility of getting this epic house around the corner from here. It has four bedrooms, so one room will get to be my studio. I'd whoo about it, but I don't feel like it just yet.
I also have summer school. I only have to go for 3 days, but the rest is all an online course and fuck if there was a way they could make being on a computer a chore.
Still going crazy, too. I'm starting to forget things. Fuck.
/emo
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
head desk
fucking fuck it all
I feel like shit, god damn it
last night i felt like shit, this morning i woke up feeling like shit, i know i'm going to feel even shittier at school
ffffffffffffffuck it all
y'know, people always bitch at me that they make an effort to do things for me, and i'm like "yeah i can see that, you really don't have to point it out"
but when *I* try to make a fucking effort NOBODY notices
not even the person i'm making an effort at
i try and i try and i go through ALL THIS SHIT AND I HAVE NOTHING TO FUCKING SHOW FOR IT
FUCK
all i want is to just talk to people, not fight and argue and kick and scream but no
NO
can't fucking have that can we sweet deegey
god damn it i fucking hate my life
BY THE FUCKING WAY
PARANOID SCHIZO FEELS LIKE SHIT
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU SUDDENLY HEAR PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING RESTAURANT AND YOUR MOM IS LOOKING AT YOU AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING TO MUMMY BECAUSE SHE'LL BLAME IT ON THE NON-EXISTENT PMS AND TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF
i fucking HATE HUMANITY
fucking hate people, fucking hate EVERYTHING
i'm a train of just pure fucking rage, because i've hit a WALL
I CANT MOVE FROM THIS GODDAMN PLACE
I'M STUCK AND I DON'T KNOW WHO TO FUCKING TALK TO ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GO UP TO YOUR FRIENDS AND BE LIKE
hey i have mental issues because this person i really really care about hates me and i'm losing my mind, do you have a strait jacket on hand
because your friend will be like
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I HATE YOU TOO, GO AWAY
because people are fucking BACKSTABBING TWO-TIMING COCK-SUCKING ASSHOLES AND I HATE THE LOT OF THEM
everyone will abandon you one day, i'm just living in the future
i'm fucking... done.
i'm tired of this, i really am
i give up
was this what you wanted? did you want to wait me out until i gave up? well, here's your victory
i really hope you are happy
at least then i will have accomplished something for you
I feel like shit, god damn it
last night i felt like shit, this morning i woke up feeling like shit, i know i'm going to feel even shittier at school
ffffffffffffffuck it all
y'know, people always bitch at me that they make an effort to do things for me, and i'm like "yeah i can see that, you really don't have to point it out"
but when *I* try to make a fucking effort NOBODY notices
not even the person i'm making an effort at
i try and i try and i go through ALL THIS SHIT AND I HAVE NOTHING TO FUCKING SHOW FOR IT
FUCK
all i want is to just talk to people, not fight and argue and kick and scream but no
NO
can't fucking have that can we sweet deegey
god damn it i fucking hate my life
BY THE FUCKING WAY
PARANOID SCHIZO FEELS LIKE SHIT
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU SUDDENLY HEAR PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING RESTAURANT AND YOUR MOM IS LOOKING AT YOU AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING TO MUMMY BECAUSE SHE'LL BLAME IT ON THE NON-EXISTENT PMS AND TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF
i fucking HATE HUMANITY
fucking hate people, fucking hate EVERYTHING
i'm a train of just pure fucking rage, because i've hit a WALL
I CANT MOVE FROM THIS GODDAMN PLACE
I'M STUCK AND I DON'T KNOW WHO TO FUCKING TALK TO ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GO UP TO YOUR FRIENDS AND BE LIKE
hey i have mental issues because this person i really really care about hates me and i'm losing my mind, do you have a strait jacket on hand
because your friend will be like
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I HATE YOU TOO, GO AWAY
because people are fucking BACKSTABBING TWO-TIMING COCK-SUCKING ASSHOLES AND I HATE THE LOT OF THEM
everyone will abandon you one day, i'm just living in the future
i'm fucking... done.
i'm tired of this, i really am
i give up
was this what you wanted? did you want to wait me out until i gave up? well, here's your victory
i really hope you are happy
at least then i will have accomplished something for you
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Confused.
Hmmm. I don't really get it.
First, you don't talk for days. Weeks. Months. Then you come up with this little... note, and after all that time hurting and being confused, I feel hopeful. Yay, she's not "staying gone forever", she'll come back at some point.
Then I say that I wouldn't know how to react when you came back, and that I'd be so tiptoe-y around you that I probably would be the most boring person to talk to. Then you say that I "got it".
So... you want me to be a fighter again? You want me to do the same thing that annoyed you? Just being a fucking bitch so I can lose you all over again?
God damn it, all I want is to fucking talk to you, and I can't even get that. Now that I look back, I probably would have been "quiet" the first few times we talked again, and then gone right back to however it used to be.
I remember the last REAL fun we had together, four or five months ago. I actually stopped before I started getting really mean, because I knew what reaction you would have.
All I want is to talk. That's all I've EVER wanted. Are you scared of me, or something? What's the worse thing that could happen in a civilized conversation? I know you read this, so here's what I have to say:
When you do get this, for the love of God (or Lucifer, or whatever, I don't know how to use that swear anymore), please just message me. Please just talk to me. Please. I'm not asking, I'm... god damn it, i'm begging.
I promise not to get angry, and I promise to keep my cool, if you will please just talk to me and... tell me things.
Please.
First, you don't talk for days. Weeks. Months. Then you come up with this little... note, and after all that time hurting and being confused, I feel hopeful. Yay, she's not "staying gone forever", she'll come back at some point.
Then I say that I wouldn't know how to react when you came back, and that I'd be so tiptoe-y around you that I probably would be the most boring person to talk to. Then you say that I "got it".
So... you want me to be a fighter again? You want me to do the same thing that annoyed you? Just being a fucking bitch so I can lose you all over again?
God damn it, all I want is to fucking talk to you, and I can't even get that. Now that I look back, I probably would have been "quiet" the first few times we talked again, and then gone right back to however it used to be.
I remember the last REAL fun we had together, four or five months ago. I actually stopped before I started getting really mean, because I knew what reaction you would have.
All I want is to talk. That's all I've EVER wanted. Are you scared of me, or something? What's the worse thing that could happen in a civilized conversation? I know you read this, so here's what I have to say:
When you do get this, for the love of God (or Lucifer, or whatever, I don't know how to use that swear anymore), please just message me. Please just talk to me. Please. I'm not asking, I'm... god damn it, i'm begging.
I promise not to get angry, and I promise to keep my cool, if you will please just talk to me and... tell me things.
Please.
Monday, April 5, 2010
why doesn't anybody listen
Linkin Park/Fort Minor.
so, going through tough times. Getting new friends, losing-ish an old one, possibly moving, etc. it's confusing and it, in the lamest of terms, hurts my feelings. i don't think it's ever going to be "normal" again like how i want it to be, but i just... lose trust in people. three years of being best friends, and when my life *finally* starts looking up, at least a little... crash. after all these years, i don't think i can restore my trust as easily. not now.
i should get over it, but i'm notorious for holding grudges. it's practically one of my personality traits. "loud, spontaneous anger spouts, holds grudges way longer than she needs to because she has severe trust issues".
i mean.... come on. you're so much better off than i am - orchestra, a good loving family, your own car, lots of friends that keep in touch, all those cool things you get, constantly having a full kitchen, you don't have to do chores - and when i get something good, you're... jealous? do you know how jealous i am of *you*? i would kill to be in your place. do you just feel the need to guard me or something? you think that i'm yours, or something?
well, now you know how i feel, except this time it's not so fair - /look/ at what you have, all YOUR friends, all YOUR family, EVERYTHING. and then look what i have. a fucking disaster of a family, not but two TRUE friends, and a lot of people i love lost. hell, i'm envious that you even have your dad around, let alone that he's worked on all sorts of cool movies.
it's just... upsetting. i don't know.
in other news, i had another dream about the... other girl. i can't remember what number this is, but i'm thinking somewhere in the 'teens. this time, she contacted me and i didn't know how to respond. i didn't know whether to say "hi" back, or ignore her, or make a rude comment. it was so real, again.
i really miss her, i suppose.
i've actually pocketdialed/accidentally called her quite a few times. it's awkward. one time i pocketdialled her and didn't know until i was about a minute into the answering machine (? i didn't check to see if anyone had gotten on). then i pulled out my phone, saw it, and immediately hung up.
secretly, i wanted her to call back and ask what that was all about.... but really
you have your hopes too high, deege
really too FUCKING HIGH
because that's too fucking much to ask, isn't it
fucking isn't it
just some little *HINT* THAT SHE'LL BE BACK IS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR
fuck
i hate my fucking life.
i'm going to go cry or kill myself or do something productive
so, going through tough times. Getting new friends, losing-ish an old one, possibly moving, etc. it's confusing and it, in the lamest of terms, hurts my feelings. i don't think it's ever going to be "normal" again like how i want it to be, but i just... lose trust in people. three years of being best friends, and when my life *finally* starts looking up, at least a little... crash. after all these years, i don't think i can restore my trust as easily. not now.
i should get over it, but i'm notorious for holding grudges. it's practically one of my personality traits. "loud, spontaneous anger spouts, holds grudges way longer than she needs to because she has severe trust issues".
i mean.... come on. you're so much better off than i am - orchestra, a good loving family, your own car, lots of friends that keep in touch, all those cool things you get, constantly having a full kitchen, you don't have to do chores - and when i get something good, you're... jealous? do you know how jealous i am of *you*? i would kill to be in your place. do you just feel the need to guard me or something? you think that i'm yours, or something?
well, now you know how i feel, except this time it's not so fair - /look/ at what you have, all YOUR friends, all YOUR family, EVERYTHING. and then look what i have. a fucking disaster of a family, not but two TRUE friends, and a lot of people i love lost. hell, i'm envious that you even have your dad around, let alone that he's worked on all sorts of cool movies.
it's just... upsetting. i don't know.
in other news, i had another dream about the... other girl. i can't remember what number this is, but i'm thinking somewhere in the 'teens. this time, she contacted me and i didn't know how to respond. i didn't know whether to say "hi" back, or ignore her, or make a rude comment. it was so real, again.
i really miss her, i suppose.
i've actually pocketdialed/accidentally called her quite a few times. it's awkward. one time i pocketdialled her and didn't know until i was about a minute into the answering machine (? i didn't check to see if anyone had gotten on). then i pulled out my phone, saw it, and immediately hung up.
secretly, i wanted her to call back and ask what that was all about.... but really
you have your hopes too high, deege
really too FUCKING HIGH
because that's too fucking much to ask, isn't it
fucking isn't it
just some little *HINT* THAT SHE'LL BE BACK IS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR
fuck
i hate my fucking life.
i'm going to go cry or kill myself or do something productive
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Earth Below Us, Drifting, Falling.
Sorry. Shiny Toy Guns.
Hello everyone, Captain Fucking Crazy here. You can call me Cap'n FC. Or Crazy. But Fucking Crazy works just as well.
I feel like shit. My insides are writhing in boiling anger and my shoulder is hurting and I have a blaring headache and I want to punch the monitor! Doesn't that sound great?
Yes, it's pertaining to a thing that I have failed to let go of, simply because I wish for it to mend again one day, and I want to see if it has a shred of... of... feeling left for me. I would guess not, but hope is a human pleasure I take pride in these days.
So, other than the fact that my insides are worms, I am having a great spring break. Tristan, Vila, and I had a magick party last night, where we Ouija'd for an hour and then looked through Tristan's Wiccan books, played a bit of Wii, and ate pizza. Then we all fell asleep to Wall-E, and I got up and made them breakfast (poor Tristan wasn't feeling well because he's the strongest psychic of us and he got drained during the Ouija), and then we decided to make our own multi-religious Circle. Conveniently, Tristan is Water, Vila is Wind/Air, I am Fire (go figure!), and the only member we want in our group is Water. (That would be Braedon, by the way.) Tristan and I have designed our robes already.
Damn, I cannot get over this song. Damn you, Shiny Toy Guns!
Also, strangely enough, I've been rather peckish for such a large moon night. Usually I would have eaten my mother out of house and home, but alas, I feel my appetite diminishing every day. It's strange.
... Did I just use the word "alas"? It may be one of my favorite words (since sounding smart and proper is a weird fetish of mine), but I don't use it very often, let alone in a personal blog--
I do believe I hear South Park! How delightful!
...Yes, I was kidding about that last part. South Park is awesome, not "delightful". I am excited for tomorrow's new episode.
Anyways, I've ranted on about, hmm... nothing of importance? I shall close this with a very grateful dasvidaniya. Because that is also a very fun word to say.
Hello everyone, Captain Fucking Crazy here. You can call me Cap'n FC. Or Crazy. But Fucking Crazy works just as well.
I feel like shit. My insides are writhing in boiling anger and my shoulder is hurting and I have a blaring headache and I want to punch the monitor! Doesn't that sound great?
Yes, it's pertaining to a thing that I have failed to let go of, simply because I wish for it to mend again one day, and I want to see if it has a shred of... of... feeling left for me. I would guess not, but hope is a human pleasure I take pride in these days.
So, other than the fact that my insides are worms, I am having a great spring break. Tristan, Vila, and I had a magick party last night, where we Ouija'd for an hour and then looked through Tristan's Wiccan books, played a bit of Wii, and ate pizza. Then we all fell asleep to Wall-E, and I got up and made them breakfast (poor Tristan wasn't feeling well because he's the strongest psychic of us and he got drained during the Ouija), and then we decided to make our own multi-religious Circle. Conveniently, Tristan is Water, Vila is Wind/Air, I am Fire (go figure!), and the only member we want in our group is Water. (That would be Braedon, by the way.) Tristan and I have designed our robes already.
Damn, I cannot get over this song. Damn you, Shiny Toy Guns!
Also, strangely enough, I've been rather peckish for such a large moon night. Usually I would have eaten my mother out of house and home, but alas, I feel my appetite diminishing every day. It's strange.
... Did I just use the word "alas"? It may be one of my favorite words (since sounding smart and proper is a weird fetish of mine), but I don't use it very often, let alone in a personal blog--
I do believe I hear South Park! How delightful!
...Yes, I was kidding about that last part. South Park is awesome, not "delightful". I am excited for tomorrow's new episode.
Anyways, I've ranted on about, hmm... nothing of importance? I shall close this with a very grateful dasvidaniya. Because that is also a very fun word to say.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Need. Kneed. Knee. ROAD RASH!
Title is WTF yes.
SOOOooooo I've had a meh week! :'D I made new friends, am starting to excel in certain classes, and I managed to swipe a free ditch day off of school! Weeee~
And fun stuff happens
BUT NO ONE READS THIS ANYWAY WTF bye then jeez
SOOOooooo I've had a meh week! :'D I made new friends, am starting to excel in certain classes, and I managed to swipe a free ditch day off of school! Weeee~
And fun stuff happens
BUT NO ONE READS THIS ANYWAY WTF bye then jeez
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Let's Just Breathe
I feel like poop. Again. I'unno. I feel sort of betrayed. I brought it on myself but I can't help it.
I had another dream, maybe my tenth, about this certain person that I know of. It was so real. They always are. They were telling me that they might as well forget what happened. But they were coming back in approximately a month. I was excited. I always am. And then I wake up, and it wasn't real, and it hurts all over again.
Honestly, if they ever did come back, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd be so scared to push them away again that I probably wouldn't ever fight. I wouldn't ever yell. I'd become some boring person who always agrees and keeps her opinions away to make sure they stay. I would be so careful to tiptoe around everything that nothing would happen, and it would be useless to even hang out. It drives me so crazy.
Aarren (as I learned is how you truly spell his name) spent all lunch with me, just talking about Satanism and lycanthropy and all the things *I* was interested in. He just wanted to know. I love it when people just want to know me, and just want to talk. That's all I want these days, is for people to know me. Know who I am, who I was. I just... want to be known.
This weekend is my birthday. I'm excited for it in the day time, but after night approaches, I feel horrible. I realize I'm a year closer to leaving my mother, the only person who I believed would never really leave me. I don't want to deal with that. I have two more years but I've taken so much for granted.
That's what. I believe I've taken my entire life for granted. I took my family for granted, the innocent world, my dogs, my friends. Back when I had everything. And now it's diminished to three or four real friends that are my age, two years left with my mom, chronic depression and the possibility of developing some other mental disorder. I know I'm going to end up crazy one day, I just don't know when.
I miss being fourteen. That was the highlight of my recent existence. All sorts of cool friends, two of them the bestest friends anyone could ask for. I was in all sorts of love and my main point in life was to have an adventure. To go out and just do the coolest, weirdest, funnest shit that was out there.
And now I'm trying so hard to hang on that I can't even pay attention to my opportunities. My emotions. My life.
I don't think I've ever admitted to this, but, while I might be a fighter, I am no winner. I always lose. I lost a lot last year. Friends, family, happiness. I wonder, if my life's high point was the day before my grandpa died... and everything started to go down from there... where will I be in ten years? Will I even be alive, or by some sick twist of fate, will I have died at the wheel of my car? At the will of my best friend?
I often wonder, what will become of me, if I'm only sixteen but I feel thirty? If I can feel love and I can give it, but I have no one to actually give it to? There's only so much you can do via internet, and that's to one person. I haven't the motivation, nor the guts, to get up and tell the ones I love that I want them. I'm too scared to lose again. I can't lose anymore, it would just break me.
My mom told me the other day, that I was going to be that girl that all the boys will call in five or ten years and say, "dang. I really wish we could've got together. You were such a cool person, I just never saw that."
But I don't know. In the American society, boys don't normally look for the cool girl who is smart and knows how to handle things, the girl who owns philosophy books instead of Cosmopolitans, who favors conservative clothing over showing her boobs, who would much rather do what you want than pick out herself. I can be the good person, I can be the want-able person, but I never get the chance. It's just a bunch of lies.
I don't know where I'm going. I guess I'm just saying that I hate my life's decreasing worth, I really want someone who I can physically touch and be with, and that I don't want to turn thirty on Sunday.
Don't you wish they had a machine that turned "fantasy" characters into real people? I do.
I had another dream, maybe my tenth, about this certain person that I know of. It was so real. They always are. They were telling me that they might as well forget what happened. But they were coming back in approximately a month. I was excited. I always am. And then I wake up, and it wasn't real, and it hurts all over again.
Honestly, if they ever did come back, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd be so scared to push them away again that I probably wouldn't ever fight. I wouldn't ever yell. I'd become some boring person who always agrees and keeps her opinions away to make sure they stay. I would be so careful to tiptoe around everything that nothing would happen, and it would be useless to even hang out. It drives me so crazy.
Aarren (as I learned is how you truly spell his name) spent all lunch with me, just talking about Satanism and lycanthropy and all the things *I* was interested in. He just wanted to know. I love it when people just want to know me, and just want to talk. That's all I want these days, is for people to know me. Know who I am, who I was. I just... want to be known.
This weekend is my birthday. I'm excited for it in the day time, but after night approaches, I feel horrible. I realize I'm a year closer to leaving my mother, the only person who I believed would never really leave me. I don't want to deal with that. I have two more years but I've taken so much for granted.
That's what. I believe I've taken my entire life for granted. I took my family for granted, the innocent world, my dogs, my friends. Back when I had everything. And now it's diminished to three or four real friends that are my age, two years left with my mom, chronic depression and the possibility of developing some other mental disorder. I know I'm going to end up crazy one day, I just don't know when.
I miss being fourteen. That was the highlight of my recent existence. All sorts of cool friends, two of them the bestest friends anyone could ask for. I was in all sorts of love and my main point in life was to have an adventure. To go out and just do the coolest, weirdest, funnest shit that was out there.
And now I'm trying so hard to hang on that I can't even pay attention to my opportunities. My emotions. My life.
I don't think I've ever admitted to this, but, while I might be a fighter, I am no winner. I always lose. I lost a lot last year. Friends, family, happiness. I wonder, if my life's high point was the day before my grandpa died... and everything started to go down from there... where will I be in ten years? Will I even be alive, or by some sick twist of fate, will I have died at the wheel of my car? At the will of my best friend?
I often wonder, what will become of me, if I'm only sixteen but I feel thirty? If I can feel love and I can give it, but I have no one to actually give it to? There's only so much you can do via internet, and that's to one person. I haven't the motivation, nor the guts, to get up and tell the ones I love that I want them. I'm too scared to lose again. I can't lose anymore, it would just break me.
My mom told me the other day, that I was going to be that girl that all the boys will call in five or ten years and say, "dang. I really wish we could've got together. You were such a cool person, I just never saw that."
But I don't know. In the American society, boys don't normally look for the cool girl who is smart and knows how to handle things, the girl who owns philosophy books instead of Cosmopolitans, who favors conservative clothing over showing her boobs, who would much rather do what you want than pick out herself. I can be the good person, I can be the want-able person, but I never get the chance. It's just a bunch of lies.
I don't know where I'm going. I guess I'm just saying that I hate my life's decreasing worth, I really want someone who I can physically touch and be with, and that I don't want to turn thirty on Sunday.
Don't you wish they had a machine that turned "fantasy" characters into real people? I do.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Religion + Energy + Birthday
Okay, so. Uh. I'm converting to Satanism.
It's a long and pretty boring story ("lol this entire religion is like, my beliefs... IN A WHOLE RELIGION") but yeah. Spiritual Satanist, to be exact. If anyone has a problem with it, they can speak to me (in a respectful manner).
I also think (here comes the crazy) that I might have a sort of spiritual connection with my cat, Romulus. We talk to each other and he follows me around the house. When I was painting yesterday, he sat on my lap and watched until I took a break. When I'm sick or depressed, I'll go lay on the couch and he'll gently lay wherever it hurts. If I'm congested, he lays on my chest. If I have cramps, he lays on my stomach. If someone hurt me in that teenager-love-deal, he lays right over my heart. If I can't make sense of things, he lays just above my head.
But last night, I was up at two in the morning. I was just feeling sad and too tired to sleep. Rom was playing with his squeaky toy on the ground. I rolled over and he stopped, then leapt onto the chair with me. He nudged my face and chest and then laid over my heart, and I imagined my astral self hugging him... and no sooner than that image came to mind, that he fell asleep. Instantly. Went from being pyscho and playful to loving to boom, asleep. So I just smiled and hugged him until I went to sleep, too.
My birthday is next Sunday. As in, in 7 days I'm going to be 16. I'm real 'sited, because I'm going to get an epic cake from Coldstone Creamery and Hobbit might be coming over for a sleepover. Christyann and her cousin also got me a present, but I can't see it 'til Friday, lol.
I got Brisingr from the Eragon series. Finally. I've been dying to read that book since I finished Eldest. Hopefully Saphira/Eragon don't die. I'm tired of kickass characters dying. :(
Ffff. I got something to say about the moon, but I'm sure the only person who cares is tired of hearing about it.
Also. Serj Tankian redid Elect The Dead with an entire symphony behind him. Kick. Ass.
It's a long and pretty boring story ("lol this entire religion is like, my beliefs... IN A WHOLE RELIGION") but yeah. Spiritual Satanist, to be exact. If anyone has a problem with it, they can speak to me (in a respectful manner).
I also think (here comes the crazy) that I might have a sort of spiritual connection with my cat, Romulus. We talk to each other and he follows me around the house. When I was painting yesterday, he sat on my lap and watched until I took a break. When I'm sick or depressed, I'll go lay on the couch and he'll gently lay wherever it hurts. If I'm congested, he lays on my chest. If I have cramps, he lays on my stomach. If someone hurt me in that teenager-love-deal, he lays right over my heart. If I can't make sense of things, he lays just above my head.
But last night, I was up at two in the morning. I was just feeling sad and too tired to sleep. Rom was playing with his squeaky toy on the ground. I rolled over and he stopped, then leapt onto the chair with me. He nudged my face and chest and then laid over my heart, and I imagined my astral self hugging him... and no sooner than that image came to mind, that he fell asleep. Instantly. Went from being pyscho and playful to loving to boom, asleep. So I just smiled and hugged him until I went to sleep, too.
My birthday is next Sunday. As in, in 7 days I'm going to be 16. I'm real 'sited, because I'm going to get an epic cake from Coldstone Creamery and Hobbit might be coming over for a sleepover. Christyann and her cousin also got me a present, but I can't see it 'til Friday, lol.
I got Brisingr from the Eragon series. Finally. I've been dying to read that book since I finished Eldest. Hopefully Saphira/Eragon don't die. I'm tired of kickass characters dying. :(
Ffff. I got something to say about the moon, but I'm sure the only person who cares is tired of hearing about it.
Also. Serj Tankian redid Elect The Dead with an entire symphony behind him. Kick. Ass.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Pregnancy
Warning: Vulgar and angst-ridden rant. The F-bomb is dropped many times here. Read at your own cost.
My mom is pregnant. After 16 years of being "unable" to have a child, convincing me I was her one and only and she would never have another, she is pregnant by Jake.
I told everyone he was bad fucking news from the start. No one listens to me until it is too fucking late. Too fucking late indeed.
She broke it to me via early birthday card. I opened it and the things written inside - "Hey big sis!" "Mom says I look like a tadpole" - made me think I was getting a pet salamander or something. But no. With the card was an ultrasound picture of the 2-month-old fetus in my mother's womb.
I was needless to say devastated. My mom was the only person who I was the "one and only" to, and now this was being torn away from me. I instantly started crying and I didn't say a word for the rest of the night. I hid in my room and curled up on the floor for a while, unable to comprehend.
Even now, I'm waiting for them to tell me it was a joke. This isn't happening.
For the last twenty-four hours I've thought of nothing but what this baby is going to do to us. I will spend my last remaining childhood years watching my mother take care of something that was Jake's fault.
I know this is to spite me. I know this is partially my fault, for tilting my head back and growling at the sky, at the peak of my depression, "How could this get any worse?"
A baby. An intrusion. An invader. A parasite.
My mom knows I'm upset. Everyone's found out by now that I strongly disapprove. Thankfully they're alright with me being selfish, except for my goddamned shitfuck of an uncle. (If you read this: fuck you, Chris.)
She tries telling me that I'll be a good big sister and everything, but I won't. I'm off my fucking nut. I'm destructive, I'm depressed almost every day. If I don't get the amount of attention I want, I get frustrated. She wants me to be this thing's role model, and I don't want to be. I don't like responsibility, I can't handle it. They can tell me up and down that I'm going to enjoy being a sibling, that it's going to be okay, but it's not. It's going to fucking suck, I'm going to hate it. This kid's going to be crying and pooping and constantly needing attention because it can't even walk on its own.
This is what I get for trying to change, trying to be a different person?
I lose one of my best friends. My other friend at school turns into a fucking bitch. I can't eat food at all unless I'm swallowing anesthetic by the spoonful, and even then it still makes me cringe to chew. The guy I liked, who told me he didn't "want to be in a relationship" even though we liked each other that way, he gets a lover and flaunts it about.
And the last person I had to turn to, the person who made me and grew up with me, she gets taken away because she wouldn't listen to me. She didn't see what I saw. I saw the future, a fucking horrible future for myself where I've lost everything and nobody loves me anymore because they've all got bigger problems.
Maybe I should go back to being a bitch. Maybe I should start taking things for granted again, since I had everything in the world when I was like that. And it wasn't before I changed that I lost it all - none of that "oh I should stop and smell the roses since I've learned my lesson - it was after I changed. After I started developing, if slowly, a "nice" side of me, a forgiving side, a listening side - everything fucking dropped and shit on itself. I'm forever fucked by this idiot, this GODDAMN IDIOT.
I tell them. I tell you. I say, he's bad news. He's fucking bad news. You may like him and love him, but I swear to god this shitter is bad fucking news.
Why? Why do I have to be the one to see it, and suffer the consequences? Fucking WHY, god damn it?
I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of just everything. I'm tired of having to "be strong" just because people are too stupid to take advice. People are too close-minded - oh, she's just fifteen, she doesn't know.
god damn it I DO KNOW. I KNOW IT /ALL/, WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I'm SMARTER than the others, I KNOW MORE THAN THEM. You take ME for granted, you think that just because I'm young, I won't know the ways of adult dating... FUCK YOU. I know it. You just shut yourself off.
Men do this. Men ruin things. Men ruined my life, every aspect of it. Men, the male gender, tortured me with verbal abuse. Idiot men took away my father. Men hurt me, men fought me, men ruined me.
And I can't help thinking something fucking horrible is going to happen when this kid is born.
And whoever says I'm selfish, screw off. I'm allowed to be this way. This is my goddamned blog, this my goddamned life, and you can't do a goddamned thing about it to shut me up. I have had ENOUGH bottling up my anger and feelings just to spare others and be nice. THAT ISN'T ME. THIS IS ME, FUCKING ANGRY AND FUCKING DISGUSTED WITH THIS FUCKING WORLD. FUCK YOU WORLD, I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE.
My mom is pregnant. After 16 years of being "unable" to have a child, convincing me I was her one and only and she would never have another, she is pregnant by Jake.
I told everyone he was bad fucking news from the start. No one listens to me until it is too fucking late. Too fucking late indeed.
She broke it to me via early birthday card. I opened it and the things written inside - "Hey big sis!" "Mom says I look like a tadpole" - made me think I was getting a pet salamander or something. But no. With the card was an ultrasound picture of the 2-month-old fetus in my mother's womb.
I was needless to say devastated. My mom was the only person who I was the "one and only" to, and now this was being torn away from me. I instantly started crying and I didn't say a word for the rest of the night. I hid in my room and curled up on the floor for a while, unable to comprehend.
Even now, I'm waiting for them to tell me it was a joke. This isn't happening.
For the last twenty-four hours I've thought of nothing but what this baby is going to do to us. I will spend my last remaining childhood years watching my mother take care of something that was Jake's fault.
I know this is to spite me. I know this is partially my fault, for tilting my head back and growling at the sky, at the peak of my depression, "How could this get any worse?"
A baby. An intrusion. An invader. A parasite.
My mom knows I'm upset. Everyone's found out by now that I strongly disapprove. Thankfully they're alright with me being selfish, except for my goddamned shitfuck of an uncle. (If you read this: fuck you, Chris.)
She tries telling me that I'll be a good big sister and everything, but I won't. I'm off my fucking nut. I'm destructive, I'm depressed almost every day. If I don't get the amount of attention I want, I get frustrated. She wants me to be this thing's role model, and I don't want to be. I don't like responsibility, I can't handle it. They can tell me up and down that I'm going to enjoy being a sibling, that it's going to be okay, but it's not. It's going to fucking suck, I'm going to hate it. This kid's going to be crying and pooping and constantly needing attention because it can't even walk on its own.
This is what I get for trying to change, trying to be a different person?
I lose one of my best friends. My other friend at school turns into a fucking bitch. I can't eat food at all unless I'm swallowing anesthetic by the spoonful, and even then it still makes me cringe to chew. The guy I liked, who told me he didn't "want to be in a relationship" even though we liked each other that way, he gets a lover and flaunts it about.
And the last person I had to turn to, the person who made me and grew up with me, she gets taken away because she wouldn't listen to me. She didn't see what I saw. I saw the future, a fucking horrible future for myself where I've lost everything and nobody loves me anymore because they've all got bigger problems.
Maybe I should go back to being a bitch. Maybe I should start taking things for granted again, since I had everything in the world when I was like that. And it wasn't before I changed that I lost it all - none of that "oh I should stop and smell the roses since I've learned my lesson - it was after I changed. After I started developing, if slowly, a "nice" side of me, a forgiving side, a listening side - everything fucking dropped and shit on itself. I'm forever fucked by this idiot, this GODDAMN IDIOT.
I tell them. I tell you. I say, he's bad news. He's fucking bad news. You may like him and love him, but I swear to god this shitter is bad fucking news.
Why? Why do I have to be the one to see it, and suffer the consequences? Fucking WHY, god damn it?
I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of just everything. I'm tired of having to "be strong" just because people are too stupid to take advice. People are too close-minded - oh, she's just fifteen, she doesn't know.
god damn it I DO KNOW. I KNOW IT /ALL/, WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I'm SMARTER than the others, I KNOW MORE THAN THEM. You take ME for granted, you think that just because I'm young, I won't know the ways of adult dating... FUCK YOU. I know it. You just shut yourself off.
Men do this. Men ruin things. Men ruined my life, every aspect of it. Men, the male gender, tortured me with verbal abuse. Idiot men took away my father. Men hurt me, men fought me, men ruined me.
And I can't help thinking something fucking horrible is going to happen when this kid is born.
And whoever says I'm selfish, screw off. I'm allowed to be this way. This is my goddamned blog, this my goddamned life, and you can't do a goddamned thing about it to shut me up. I have had ENOUGH bottling up my anger and feelings just to spare others and be nice. THAT ISN'T ME. THIS IS ME, FUCKING ANGRY AND FUCKING DISGUSTED WITH THIS FUCKING WORLD. FUCK YOU WORLD, I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Ashton in Pigtails.
I just saw a drawing I did of that subject.
Today. It failed. On massive amounts.
It started out okay. Roosevelt was extremely pleased with my life-model drawing, and so was the model himself. Harrigan - second period, Geometry - was alright. Avoided that bitch Dawn who has been talking about me behind my goddam back.
Break was fun, actually. Josh and I played snuggle tag, since he's apparently my Valentine, and he tricked me into getting tagged. Lots of chasing and hopping over backpacks was involved. I liked it.
Third, meh. Boring. It's science, I was never much a science geek.
Fourth, mehhhhh. Had a sub in that class.
But that's pretty much where everything took a shit on itself.
Arin was having another bad day. (He's a very negative Snape-like person) I wanted to cheer him up.
"Do you need a hug?"
"No."
"Do you need group therapy?"
"No."
"Do you need one-on-one talk therapy?"
"No."
"Do you need... ice cream?"
"No."
"Chocolate?"
"No... It doesn't really matter what I /need/ anyway."
"...Do you /want/ ice cream?"
"Yes..." (and here he started to smile)
"Do you /want/ one-on-one talk therapy?"
"No."
So Hobbit and I giggled, because if I can't have Arin laugh, Hobbit's laughing no matter what because I give off those vibes. But then Arin fucking cut in with this:
"If anyone here needs one-on-one talk therapy, it's you, Deege."
Hobbit and I immediately stopped laughing.
"Excuse me?"
"You're always thinking about that thing with Emmie. You always hate on her. That's fine, but you shouldn't always think about it. If you dwell on it, you won't mature and grow up."
So I went off on him, telling him that I was /born/ eighteen years old, how I do not dwell on it (I never bring that shit up at home unless that goddam bitch said something to me that day) and how I only think about it when I see her (trashy fucking) face. How it wasn't his goddam business, I never asked him to comment on that, and how I hadn't even spoken a word that day about this skank.
'I didn't mean to offend you, I just wanted to tell you' my ASS. We weren't even fucking talk about that crap. I was trying to help a friend, and he turns that shit right around and pisses me off. Pisses me RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. It isn't HIS business, it wasn't fucking about ME, god DAMN IT. Fuck I hate him sometimes.
So I couldn't truly remember damn fifth period, and when I went down to the Hellhole for lunch, Arin started stalking me around and was like, "I was just /saying/, Deege" until finally I turned around, snarled his name, then left him standing there.
Then my friends came over, we ate lunch, I stole Taylor's journal that she had written erotica in.
Around the time I playfully read out a bit of the story - "unbearably hard COCK!" - I switched.
Switching for me is sometimes very smooth, to where I don't even notice it myself until someone points it out. Sometimes it's violent and full of struggle, such as on full moons or when I start having flashbacks, but this time it wasn't.
My voice changed, my gestures changed, my laugh changed. I was fine with it. I didn't know who I was, but I was just okay. I wasn't angry, was with friends. But when Zexi made a grab for Taylor's book, which I still had, I screeched at him, "Touch it and I WILL KILL YOU!"
He suddenly looked very scared, and I stopped. I looked at Brayden (who knows how I work, in a mild but understanding way), and he just stared at me. I remember telling him, "I didn't say that." and he replied, "I know you didn't."
Then everything blurred together and I hardly remember anything between lunch and now.
Yesterday night, Mom, Rachel and I went to Fresno to go drop off the quilts we had made at a Give A Day, Get a Disney Day place. We had dropped them off and were on our way home, and I was kind of singing or something, and I saw a car in the dark... I very blatantly SAW this car, because I stopped singing and said, "-and there's a fifties' car that I wanna riiiiide~-"
But we stopped at an intersection, and the car next to us pulled up, drove past, and the car wasn't there anymore. It was parked in a parking lot, I saw it, but it wasn't there anymore. There was a damn empty space where that car was.
I nearly shit myself.
So now I'm home, tired and cold, wearing my new jeans and new Mustang shirt. Hungry like a bitch, good grief. Eating once a day really sucks.
I will now patiently wait for things to happen...
Today. It failed. On massive amounts.
It started out okay. Roosevelt was extremely pleased with my life-model drawing, and so was the model himself. Harrigan - second period, Geometry - was alright. Avoided that bitch Dawn who has been talking about me behind my goddam back.
Break was fun, actually. Josh and I played snuggle tag, since he's apparently my Valentine, and he tricked me into getting tagged. Lots of chasing and hopping over backpacks was involved. I liked it.
Third, meh. Boring. It's science, I was never much a science geek.
Fourth, mehhhhh. Had a sub in that class.
But that's pretty much where everything took a shit on itself.
Arin was having another bad day. (He's a very negative Snape-like person) I wanted to cheer him up.
"Do you need a hug?"
"No."
"Do you need group therapy?"
"No."
"Do you need one-on-one talk therapy?"
"No."
"Do you need... ice cream?"
"No."
"Chocolate?"
"No... It doesn't really matter what I /need/ anyway."
"...Do you /want/ ice cream?"
"Yes..." (and here he started to smile)
"Do you /want/ one-on-one talk therapy?"
"No."
So Hobbit and I giggled, because if I can't have Arin laugh, Hobbit's laughing no matter what because I give off those vibes. But then Arin fucking cut in with this:
"If anyone here needs one-on-one talk therapy, it's you, Deege."
Hobbit and I immediately stopped laughing.
"Excuse me?"
"You're always thinking about that thing with Emmie. You always hate on her. That's fine, but you shouldn't always think about it. If you dwell on it, you won't mature and grow up."
So I went off on him, telling him that I was /born/ eighteen years old, how I do not dwell on it (I never bring that shit up at home unless that goddam bitch said something to me that day) and how I only think about it when I see her (trashy fucking) face. How it wasn't his goddam business, I never asked him to comment on that, and how I hadn't even spoken a word that day about this skank.
'I didn't mean to offend you, I just wanted to tell you' my ASS. We weren't even fucking talk about that crap. I was trying to help a friend, and he turns that shit right around and pisses me off. Pisses me RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. It isn't HIS business, it wasn't fucking about ME, god DAMN IT. Fuck I hate him sometimes.
So I couldn't truly remember damn fifth period, and when I went down to the Hellhole for lunch, Arin started stalking me around and was like, "I was just /saying/, Deege" until finally I turned around, snarled his name, then left him standing there.
Then my friends came over, we ate lunch, I stole Taylor's journal that she had written erotica in.
Around the time I playfully read out a bit of the story - "unbearably hard COCK!" - I switched.
Switching for me is sometimes very smooth, to where I don't even notice it myself until someone points it out. Sometimes it's violent and full of struggle, such as on full moons or when I start having flashbacks, but this time it wasn't.
My voice changed, my gestures changed, my laugh changed. I was fine with it. I didn't know who I was, but I was just okay. I wasn't angry, was with friends. But when Zexi made a grab for Taylor's book, which I still had, I screeched at him, "Touch it and I WILL KILL YOU!"
He suddenly looked very scared, and I stopped. I looked at Brayden (who knows how I work, in a mild but understanding way), and he just stared at me. I remember telling him, "I didn't say that." and he replied, "I know you didn't."
Then everything blurred together and I hardly remember anything between lunch and now.
Yesterday night, Mom, Rachel and I went to Fresno to go drop off the quilts we had made at a Give A Day, Get a Disney Day place. We had dropped them off and were on our way home, and I was kind of singing or something, and I saw a car in the dark... I very blatantly SAW this car, because I stopped singing and said, "-and there's a fifties' car that I wanna riiiiide~-"
But we stopped at an intersection, and the car next to us pulled up, drove past, and the car wasn't there anymore. It was parked in a parking lot, I saw it, but it wasn't there anymore. There was a damn empty space where that car was.
I nearly shit myself.
So now I'm home, tired and cold, wearing my new jeans and new Mustang shirt. Hungry like a bitch, good grief. Eating once a day really sucks.
I will now patiently wait for things to happen...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I Am Not A Pig
Therefore it is impossible for me to have swine flu.
But Mom insists that I have it. Feh.
In other words, I'm horribly sick. I can't get hungry, because my stomach does the weirdest shit and it hurts. My head is packed full of mucus and slime and it's disgusting - I have to keep a roll of toilet paper with me should I need to blow my nose/sneeze/cough up a lung.
I get pounding sinus headaches every six hours or so and those suck. I get the weirdest crazy thoughts. Last night, I was talking to my friend Candy, when all of a sudden I totally spaced and thought my head was trapped in an orange box. That was the biggest wtf ever.
tl;dr I hate being sick as a... well, excuse the pun, but sick as a dog.
I found a song that has a bit of an Obama speech in it and it's weird - if you put a beat to Obama's 2008 campaign speeches, they're way more awesome.
I'm going to Disneyland in February...
There's a full moon this Saturday, which means I will be antsy during Saturday School... fail.
I have accidentally almost called the same person twice, from both my cell phone AND Yahoo messenger... even my technology is like, "dude, just fuckin' call the person already". Bad technology. Bad.
I'm starving my face off.
And I'm bored to jesus almighty.
SO HERE'S ME AS A GUY
Sorry guys, no DRAM today. :< Too sick to think up awesome things.
But Mom insists that I have it. Feh.
In other words, I'm horribly sick. I can't get hungry, because my stomach does the weirdest shit and it hurts. My head is packed full of mucus and slime and it's disgusting - I have to keep a roll of toilet paper with me should I need to blow my nose/sneeze/cough up a lung.
I get pounding sinus headaches every six hours or so and those suck. I get the weirdest crazy thoughts. Last night, I was talking to my friend Candy, when all of a sudden I totally spaced and thought my head was trapped in an orange box. That was the biggest wtf ever.
tl;dr I hate being sick as a... well, excuse the pun, but sick as a dog.
I found a song that has a bit of an Obama speech in it and it's weird - if you put a beat to Obama's 2008 campaign speeches, they're way more awesome.
I'm going to Disneyland in February...
There's a full moon this Saturday, which means I will be antsy during Saturday School... fail.
I have accidentally almost called the same person twice, from both my cell phone AND Yahoo messenger... even my technology is like, "dude, just fuckin' call the person already". Bad technology. Bad.
I'm starving my face off.
And I'm bored to jesus almighty.
SO HERE'S ME AS A GUY
Sorry guys, no DRAM today. :< Too sick to think up awesome things.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
If You're Lost, You Can Look, And I'll Be Waiting
My sad.
It is quite large in size.
This is going to be a large rant, and if I don't get this out of my system, I'll go do stupid things to channel my emotions... so you can skip this post today.
My life is fine. I choose to make it as bad as it is. I'm getting bad grades because I don't want to do my work, not because I don't have the means to. I'm losing friends because of my opinions, not them.
I don't know why I'm sick, but I'm sure it's because of a choice I made.
I tried to make it different. I tried to apologize. I tried to make conversation. Because I feel so incomplete right now. I feel so lost. I'm constantly thinking about death, about... suicide, because I feel that no matter how hard I'll try, no one will ever know me. I won't ever be known. I feel I won't make it to where I want to be.
I miss her. I shouldn't miss her. But I do. I should try to forget her, but my life was so incorporated to her... I feel pointless without her. I have another friend, and I love her very much for everything she's done for me, and for sticking with me while I'm in this state. But I can't get over the other one. I still have her number. I want to call her. But I don't want to bother her. I'm scared that if I annoy her, there won't ever be any hope of her coming back. But if I don't... I can't get closure. I can't understand.
I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I've stood in front of my knife collection before, thinking. I've told my mom how I felt. She suggests calling her. All my friends suggest calling her. I want to. I loved her. But I'm not strong enough.
There's not a day that goes by now that I don't feel like crying, how I'm full of regret and guilt, and shame. I don't want to be a bad person. I just don't have the courage to be a good person.
I want to show her that if I got another chance, I would change. I'm already on my way of changing, to try and catch her attention... trying to be a little nicer, a little less dramatic. Less angry and hateful to everyone around me. But it feels like she's ignoring me. I don't want her to get fed up and come back to me just to shut me up. But I miss her, so much. I still have the collar, inside my treasure chest. I still have all our pictures and conversations saved on my computer. I want to go look at them but they make me so upset.
I feel isolated, in a way. She was like me, she was my family. And then I lost her, and now I'm alone with myself again. Only she understood me all the way, only she could follow what I was going with.
Damn it. Damn it all. It was my fault, and I'm sorry. I'm just sorry.
I wish I was strong enough to endure this.
It is quite large in size.
This is going to be a large rant, and if I don't get this out of my system, I'll go do stupid things to channel my emotions... so you can skip this post today.
My life is fine. I choose to make it as bad as it is. I'm getting bad grades because I don't want to do my work, not because I don't have the means to. I'm losing friends because of my opinions, not them.
I don't know why I'm sick, but I'm sure it's because of a choice I made.
I tried to make it different. I tried to apologize. I tried to make conversation. Because I feel so incomplete right now. I feel so lost. I'm constantly thinking about death, about... suicide, because I feel that no matter how hard I'll try, no one will ever know me. I won't ever be known. I feel I won't make it to where I want to be.
I miss her. I shouldn't miss her. But I do. I should try to forget her, but my life was so incorporated to her... I feel pointless without her. I have another friend, and I love her very much for everything she's done for me, and for sticking with me while I'm in this state. But I can't get over the other one. I still have her number. I want to call her. But I don't want to bother her. I'm scared that if I annoy her, there won't ever be any hope of her coming back. But if I don't... I can't get closure. I can't understand.
I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I've stood in front of my knife collection before, thinking. I've told my mom how I felt. She suggests calling her. All my friends suggest calling her. I want to. I loved her. But I'm not strong enough.
There's not a day that goes by now that I don't feel like crying, how I'm full of regret and guilt, and shame. I don't want to be a bad person. I just don't have the courage to be a good person.
I want to show her that if I got another chance, I would change. I'm already on my way of changing, to try and catch her attention... trying to be a little nicer, a little less dramatic. Less angry and hateful to everyone around me. But it feels like she's ignoring me. I don't want her to get fed up and come back to me just to shut me up. But I miss her, so much. I still have the collar, inside my treasure chest. I still have all our pictures and conversations saved on my computer. I want to go look at them but they make me so upset.
I feel isolated, in a way. She was like me, she was my family. And then I lost her, and now I'm alone with myself again. Only she understood me all the way, only she could follow what I was going with.
Damn it. Damn it all. It was my fault, and I'm sorry. I'm just sorry.
I wish I was strong enough to endure this.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
You Are My Only One
Today sucked!
I got real bad insomnia last night. I was sort of half-asleep from nine to midnight, but then I woke up and stayed up until five in the morning. FFFFF. >:[
And I'm getting a sore throat. ASGSDFHDH SORE THROATS SUCK. That's what I get for having a man voice though. >:I
My hands and feet haven't been warm all month. Seriously. They're all ice cold. It's just sad.
Big news: 80% chance of going to Disneyland for my 16th birthday! Woohoo!
It's starting to get cloudy again after an extremely sunny weekend. I'm thuper 'cited for the clouds. I looooove cloudy days. <3
The skin on my hands is turning white in some places and peeling off, even on the pads of my fingers. It's... weird. It's never happened to me before. o___e
I'm sort of loopy nowadays, and my anger outbursts/sad spells are getting more frequent. So are these dreams that I keep having, they're mucking me up and it isn't very pleasant at all.
Even now, as I start thinking about things, my head gets fuzzy and airy and frustration wells up in my throat... ehh. I hate being crazy.
Heyyy new drawing. Here ya go.
And now it's time for...
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Sponsored by pickles. You seriously can't go wrong with pickles. If you do, then you have a squash. Not a pickle.
Today's DRAM is the band Yellowcard!
For kids from pre-2007 and late nineties, this band is a trip through time. In the days before real "emo" and "alt rock", Yellowcard bursted out with their spine-tingling songs about sacrifice, love, and adventure. A great band for those times when you're feeling lonely or lost, they will pick you up and put you back on your feet, feeling energized and ready to fly.
Way to go, Yellowcard!
I got real bad insomnia last night. I was sort of half-asleep from nine to midnight, but then I woke up and stayed up until five in the morning. FFFFF. >:[
And I'm getting a sore throat. ASGSDFHDH SORE THROATS SUCK. That's what I get for having a man voice though. >:I
My hands and feet haven't been warm all month. Seriously. They're all ice cold. It's just sad.
Big news: 80% chance of going to Disneyland for my 16th birthday! Woohoo!
It's starting to get cloudy again after an extremely sunny weekend. I'm thuper 'cited for the clouds. I looooove cloudy days. <3
The skin on my hands is turning white in some places and peeling off, even on the pads of my fingers. It's... weird. It's never happened to me before. o___e
I'm sort of loopy nowadays, and my anger outbursts/sad spells are getting more frequent. So are these dreams that I keep having, they're mucking me up and it isn't very pleasant at all.
Even now, as I start thinking about things, my head gets fuzzy and airy and frustration wells up in my throat... ehh. I hate being crazy.
Heyyy new drawing. Here ya go.
And now it's time for...
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Sponsored by pickles. You seriously can't go wrong with pickles. If you do, then you have a squash. Not a pickle.
Today's DRAM is the band Yellowcard!
For kids from pre-2007 and late nineties, this band is a trip through time. In the days before real "emo" and "alt rock", Yellowcard bursted out with their spine-tingling songs about sacrifice, love, and adventure. A great band for those times when you're feeling lonely or lost, they will pick you up and put you back on your feet, feeling energized and ready to fly.
Way to go, Yellowcard!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
The Secret Word Of The Day Is "Fun"!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Lol Pee-Wee Herman how I love your lolz.
This week has been extremely uneventful. The most prominent things are 1) Art Club after school yesterday (Friday), and 2) me nearly walking out of English. FFFF I HATE MY ENGLISH TEACHER LOTS. >:C
I have to do a project on lung cancer for Biology. Does anyone know any funny/sarcastic/whatever songs that may include breathing or a metaphor including breathing? Because I don't want to use "Breathe" by Breaking Benjamin, that's too predictable. :\
I R HAS BEEN DRAWING. Here's some of the things that my hand pooped out.
And then here's a scary photo of me after I played with Halloween make up.
I think that's all...
anyways
IT'S DRAM TIME
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Sponsored by the word FUN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!
Today's DRAM is the band, Snow Patrol!
I think everyone knows why Snow Patrol is here.
I'm too lazy to write anything epic. FIGURE IT OUT URSELF
Lol Pee-Wee Herman how I love your lolz.
This week has been extremely uneventful. The most prominent things are 1) Art Club after school yesterday (Friday), and 2) me nearly walking out of English. FFFF I HATE MY ENGLISH TEACHER LOTS. >:C
I have to do a project on lung cancer for Biology. Does anyone know any funny/sarcastic/whatever songs that may include breathing or a metaphor including breathing? Because I don't want to use "Breathe" by Breaking Benjamin, that's too predictable. :\
I R HAS BEEN DRAWING. Here's some of the things that my hand pooped out.
And then here's a scary photo of me after I played with Halloween make up.
I think that's all...
anyways
IT'S DRAM TIME
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Sponsored by the word FUN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!
Today's DRAM is the band, Snow Patrol!
I think everyone knows why Snow Patrol is here.
I'm too lazy to write anything epic. FIGURE IT OUT URSELF
Monday, January 18, 2010
Awesome, California
So, my mom and Rachel took me to Fresno at 10:35 PM (yes, AT NIGHT), to go see Avatar in IMAX. Fresno's about an hour drive from here, so we made a roadtrip out of it.
Well, on the way there, we somehow got to talking about having our own city and stuff.
I called it Awesome City and they shortened it to Awesome.
What would happen in Awesome, California, is:
Everyone would be divided into one of two pirate clans. Every Sunday, the clans would hop into their pirate ships, and have an epic battle.
Across the street from Awesome, would be my town, which I would make as a miniature North Mercy. Every Monday, I would ride into Awesome on my Amphibian (a car that goes on land and in water) and see who won the fight. I would need the Amphibian too, as all the roads in Awesome are rivers. For the pirate ships.
Everyone in Awesome would get their own pirate cave, that they have to hide their booty in. That's what the fights are about - they're trying to get at the other clan's booty in the caves!
And food would rain from the sky, like in Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.
And we would play Quidditch with our jetpacks. (That was actually Rachel's idea, not mine. I couldn't stop laughing.)
Yeah, we're still building on it. But Awesome is going to be... well, awesome.
You know what time it is!
Iiiit's Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Today's DRAM is sponsored by fruit. Fruit. It's fruity.
The Recommended Media today is...
The TV show, "Supernatural"!
With two great protagonists, Sam and Dean, and a great car to boot, it's certainly eye candy for the fans. Every episode is something different - they hunt the supernatural, after all - so it doesn't get stale. The main plotline is a bit overdone though ("We have to go find Dad and see what killed Mom when we were little kids!") so for those who are more interested in storylines, you'd probably get annoyed after a while.
Overall, Supernatural is a great show with cool characters, and awesome monsters for every episode. Something interesting for your everyday paranormal fan.
Well, on the way there, we somehow got to talking about having our own city and stuff.
I called it Awesome City and they shortened it to Awesome.
What would happen in Awesome, California, is:
Everyone would be divided into one of two pirate clans. Every Sunday, the clans would hop into their pirate ships, and have an epic battle.
Across the street from Awesome, would be my town, which I would make as a miniature North Mercy. Every Monday, I would ride into Awesome on my Amphibian (a car that goes on land and in water) and see who won the fight. I would need the Amphibian too, as all the roads in Awesome are rivers. For the pirate ships.
Everyone in Awesome would get their own pirate cave, that they have to hide their booty in. That's what the fights are about - they're trying to get at the other clan's booty in the caves!
And food would rain from the sky, like in Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.
And we would play Quidditch with our jetpacks. (That was actually Rachel's idea, not mine. I couldn't stop laughing.)
Yeah, we're still building on it. But Awesome is going to be... well, awesome.
You know what time it is!
Iiiit's Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Today's DRAM is sponsored by fruit. Fruit. It's fruity.
The Recommended Media today is...
The TV show, "Supernatural"!
With two great protagonists, Sam and Dean, and a great car to boot, it's certainly eye candy for the fans. Every episode is something different - they hunt the supernatural, after all - so it doesn't get stale. The main plotline is a bit overdone though ("We have to go find Dad and see what killed Mom when we were little kids!") so for those who are more interested in storylines, you'd probably get annoyed after a while.
Overall, Supernatural is a great show with cool characters, and awesome monsters for every episode. Something interesting for your everyday paranormal fan.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Keep A'Knockin But You Can't Come In
Oh Little Richard. How you make me lol.
Sorry for epic lack of updates. I've had a kinda crappy last few days, coming home with headaches and pants full of sad. :(
But as a summary:
- I made a new friend named David. He's cute. I secretly claimed him too.
- I'm going to study Asatru with Brayden, because it's interesting and he accepts me for what I am. (He also knows a pack I could join, but I've yet to get in contact.)
- I've been wearing a huge heatpack on my right wrist all week, because the cold hurts it so much that I have to take old folks' arthritis medicine just to stop crying. Fff ouchie.
- I love making snappish remarks at my English teacher.
- I've started listening to MuggleCast.
Now, about snappish remarks.
My English teacher, some fat cuntface that likes to say "shhh" when no one is talking, has finally grown to dislike me. I don't do my work in that class because most of it makes NO sense ("use your critical thinking!" my ass), so today she was talking...
Mrs Prosnier: "...and I won't even ask you about it, Cheyenne."
Me: "'uh?" (I was drawing at the time)
Mrs Prosnier: "The work. I won't ask you, because I know you haven't done it, and apparently you want to fail this class."
Me: "Ho yeah, that's what I want to do in life. Fail ALL of my classes. Mmmhm."
Mrs Prosnier: "You WANT to do that?"
Me: "No. That's called sarcasm. I would expect an English teacher to know that."
Which was met with approving giggles and a highfive. MLIA.
Seriously, no one likes her. Even one of the school counselors started /yelling/ at her in the halls over something. I'm surprised her ugly ass hasn't been fired.
I started reading Christine again, which is sort of bad news for Creative Writing. Poor CW friends, they have to experience scary Deege when she starts switching worlds.
"Deege?" "HAGSDHSH WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT SHITTER" "OH MY GOD I'M SORRY I'M SORRY" "...oh sry brayden 8C"
My new saying is "sad face." I say it whenever I hear upsetting news (obviously). "We're going to be doing the muse poem today." "Sad face!"
I also have a THREE DAY WEEKEND!
HAPPY FACE
And now, it's time for...
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Today's DRAM is sponsored by ice cream. Bad break up? Horrible day at the office? Take Ice Cream, now concentrated into 100% awesome.
Today's DRAM is... "Easy Hearts" by Whiskeytown!
A smooth, soothing song about the hard life of a gullible person, I can easily connect to the song. The lyrics are a bit repetitive but the gentle singing - or storytelling, as it's one of those songs - is refreshing. Beware though, it's somewhere around a 5 on the 1-10 Make You Sad Pants scale.
And now, I shall go eat pancakes and nap, as my kitty has not arrived. Hi kitty!
Sorry for epic lack of updates. I've had a kinda crappy last few days, coming home with headaches and pants full of sad. :(
But as a summary:
- I made a new friend named David. He's cute. I secretly claimed him too.
- I'm going to study Asatru with Brayden, because it's interesting and he accepts me for what I am. (He also knows a pack I could join, but I've yet to get in contact.)
- I've been wearing a huge heatpack on my right wrist all week, because the cold hurts it so much that I have to take old folks' arthritis medicine just to stop crying. Fff ouchie.
- I love making snappish remarks at my English teacher.
- I've started listening to MuggleCast.
Now, about snappish remarks.
My English teacher, some fat cuntface that likes to say "shhh" when no one is talking, has finally grown to dislike me. I don't do my work in that class because most of it makes NO sense ("use your critical thinking!" my ass), so today she was talking...
Mrs Prosnier: "...and I won't even ask you about it, Cheyenne."
Me: "'uh?" (I was drawing at the time)
Mrs Prosnier: "The work. I won't ask you, because I know you haven't done it, and apparently you want to fail this class."
Me: "Ho yeah, that's what I want to do in life. Fail ALL of my classes. Mmmhm."
Mrs Prosnier: "You WANT to do that?"
Me: "No. That's called sarcasm. I would expect an English teacher to know that."
Which was met with approving giggles and a highfive. MLIA.
Seriously, no one likes her. Even one of the school counselors started /yelling/ at her in the halls over something. I'm surprised her ugly ass hasn't been fired.
I started reading Christine again, which is sort of bad news for Creative Writing. Poor CW friends, they have to experience scary Deege when she starts switching worlds.
"Deege?" "HAGSDHSH WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT SHITTER" "OH MY GOD I'M SORRY I'M SORRY" "...oh sry brayden 8C"
My new saying is "sad face." I say it whenever I hear upsetting news (obviously). "We're going to be doing the muse poem today." "Sad face!"
I also have a THREE DAY WEEKEND!
HAPPY FACE
And now, it's time for...
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Today's DRAM is sponsored by ice cream. Bad break up? Horrible day at the office? Take Ice Cream, now concentrated into 100% awesome.
Today's DRAM is... "Easy Hearts" by Whiskeytown!
A smooth, soothing song about the hard life of a gullible person, I can easily connect to the song. The lyrics are a bit repetitive but the gentle singing - or storytelling, as it's one of those songs - is refreshing. Beware though, it's somewhere around a 5 on the 1-10 Make You Sad Pants scale.
And now, I shall go eat pancakes and nap, as my kitty has not arrived. Hi kitty!
Monday, January 11, 2010
What Is The Slammer?
That is now an inside joke with my friends in 4th period. Which was awesome.
Sunday, I went to the snow. It was super fun but super cold. I didn't go sledding like my mom and our friends did (I had a funny but slightly traumatizing accident when I was younger that involved sledding) so I found a part of the woods that I liked...
So there I was. In a small, comfortably secluded clearing, out of the bright afternoon sun and out of the way from wayward sledding children and unsuspecting hikers. This was the perfect spot to make port.
Using a thin skin board, I dug and hauled snow out of my way, piling around the hole I was forming. Once reaching adequate depth, I smoothed out the inside of the hole and set to work on making the bow of my snow ship. Twenty minutes of careful packing and freezing knees later, I had the entire front finished and protected well. I turned and dug further down behind me, making my ship look as though she was rising from the snow itself. I built a comfortable recliner-like seat and set my jacket down as a warm place for my bottom. Laying back out of sight, I listened to the forest around me and watched the willowy wisps of clouds slip by overhead.
For now, I was Snow Captain Optimus of the S.S. Awesome, and I was the greatest snow captain there ever was.
Today, Monday, school started again after three weeks of vacation. I was, needless to say, sad about this. Art was fun though - our new assignment is to draw 5 figures in action, interacting with each other. I chose to draw a pirates vs. ninjas picture. Fun fun fun.
My joints - knees, elbows, shoulders, and wrists - are in horrible pain. They were exposed to the extreme cold for too long when I was playing in my snow ship, and the fact that I have carpal tunnel isn't really helping either. If they hurt as bad as they did last night (where I started crying from it), then I doubt I'm going to school tomorrow. It's the cold that does it, and it's fifty degrees until the afternoon here.
I've also nearly nailed down my "style" for lions, which is good. Very good. I'm glad I can draw animals without failing entirely.
Now, it's time forrrr
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Today's DRAM is sponsored by Manbearpig. He's half man, half bear, and half pig. (We're thuper thereal.)
The DRAM today is... Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs!
This movie is a true cartoon. The sound effects, the facial expressions, the slapstick comedy. Everything from the simpleton monkey to Dad's massive eyebrow to Manny the cameraman, this movie is outrageously amazing. The verbal comedy is smart enough for older kids and adults, while the visual comedy (and Steve the monkey) are good enough for the little ones. Awesome media, indeed.
Sunday, I went to the snow. It was super fun but super cold. I didn't go sledding like my mom and our friends did (I had a funny but slightly traumatizing accident when I was younger that involved sledding) so I found a part of the woods that I liked...
So there I was. In a small, comfortably secluded clearing, out of the bright afternoon sun and out of the way from wayward sledding children and unsuspecting hikers. This was the perfect spot to make port.
Using a thin skin board, I dug and hauled snow out of my way, piling around the hole I was forming. Once reaching adequate depth, I smoothed out the inside of the hole and set to work on making the bow of my snow ship. Twenty minutes of careful packing and freezing knees later, I had the entire front finished and protected well. I turned and dug further down behind me, making my ship look as though she was rising from the snow itself. I built a comfortable recliner-like seat and set my jacket down as a warm place for my bottom. Laying back out of sight, I listened to the forest around me and watched the willowy wisps of clouds slip by overhead.
For now, I was Snow Captain Optimus of the S.S. Awesome, and I was the greatest snow captain there ever was.
Today, Monday, school started again after three weeks of vacation. I was, needless to say, sad about this. Art was fun though - our new assignment is to draw 5 figures in action, interacting with each other. I chose to draw a pirates vs. ninjas picture. Fun fun fun.
My joints - knees, elbows, shoulders, and wrists - are in horrible pain. They were exposed to the extreme cold for too long when I was playing in my snow ship, and the fact that I have carpal tunnel isn't really helping either. If they hurt as bad as they did last night (where I started crying from it), then I doubt I'm going to school tomorrow. It's the cold that does it, and it's fifty degrees until the afternoon here.
I've also nearly nailed down my "style" for lions, which is good. Very good. I'm glad I can draw animals without failing entirely.
Now, it's time forrrr
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Today's DRAM is sponsored by Manbearpig. He's half man, half bear, and half pig. (We're thuper thereal.)
The DRAM today is... Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs!
This movie is a true cartoon. The sound effects, the facial expressions, the slapstick comedy. Everything from the simpleton monkey to Dad's massive eyebrow to Manny the cameraman, this movie is outrageously amazing. The verbal comedy is smart enough for older kids and adults, while the visual comedy (and Steve the monkey) are good enough for the little ones. Awesome media, indeed.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Wop. Wop. Wop. Wop Wop, Wop Wop Wop.
There is nothing to report today so all there is going to be is the DRAM.
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media
Sponsored today by Midol. Don't kill your friends, take Midol.
Today's DRAM is "I Wonder Why" by Dion & The Belmonts. A huge part of me is overrun with love for the oldies. I'm fond of Little Richard, Thurston Harris, and Beach Boys, but never have I felt more comfortable with oldies than I have with Dion & The Belmonts. Once you hear the song, you'll instantly know it. It's one of those songs.
Don't know why I love you like I do, don't know why I do.
Don't know why I love you, don't know why I care
I just want your love to share
I wonder why, I love you like I do
is it because I think you love me too
I wonder why, I love you like I do, like I do.
I told my friends that we would never part
they often said that you would break my heart
I wonder why they think that we will part, we will part
When you're with me, I'm sure you're always true
when I'm away, I wonder what you do
I wonder why I'm sure you're always true, always true
don't know why I do.
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media
Sponsored today by Midol. Don't kill your friends, take Midol.
Today's DRAM is "I Wonder Why" by Dion & The Belmonts. A huge part of me is overrun with love for the oldies. I'm fond of Little Richard, Thurston Harris, and Beach Boys, but never have I felt more comfortable with oldies than I have with Dion & The Belmonts. Once you hear the song, you'll instantly know it. It's one of those songs.
Don't know why I love you like I do, don't know why I do.
Don't know why I love you, don't know why I care
I just want your love to share
I wonder why, I love you like I do
is it because I think you love me too
I wonder why, I love you like I do, like I do.
I told my friends that we would never part
they often said that you would break my heart
I wonder why they think that we will part, we will part
When you're with me, I'm sure you're always true
when I'm away, I wonder what you do
I wonder why I'm sure you're always true, always true
don't know why I do.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Crazy Dream Time
Okay, time to recount the killer dreams I had this morning.
First one:
My mom, grandpa, and I go to the mountains for some reason. We come across a HUGE cabin-mansion that's maybe a hundred years old, and construction crews are surrounding it. "We're staying in THAT?" I ask my grandpa.
"No, there are better cabins behind it," he says.
Cut to later, Mom and Papa have left me in the cabin to do something. I'm cleaning my face in the bathroom and I start wondering if this place is haunted... then I get a creepy feeling up my back. I slowly lean back and peer in the living room.
There's a transparent, faintly glowing woman sitting in the chair farthest from me, looking off to the side.
I FREAK out and run for the door, but she appears right in front of me. She's a Lady in White and her face resembles my mom's, but she doesn't seem friendly. I scream and run through her, bursting through the door.
That's when I woke up screaming. I've never done that before.
Second one (after I fell back asleep):
I was lounging in my house, when all of a sudden I hear a sound like a jet engine. I get up and go to the backyard to see STARSCREAM flying over head, towards downtown. Then I remembered my family was down there. "Oh, shit!" I say, and run out the door.
I run downtown (super fast, since apparently I was a superhero?) and when I get there, it's an all-out battle between the Autobots, the Decepticons, some X-Men characters, and the Teen Titans.
I see Megatron on the roof of a nearby building and run over, lifting my hand and launching an energy blast at him. But an X-Men girl is in my way, the female version of Cyclops, and my blast hits a mirror on her goggles and takes a 90 degree angle, blasting a different Decepticon in the head. I cringe at the little mistake but I don't have time to apologize, as Megatron kicks on the building and sends a huge slab of wall down towards some of my friends. I leap up and stand over them to shield them from the wall, and GOD did it hurt. Raven (from Teen Titans) came over and lifted the wall rubble away so I could get up, then we went to the middle of the street for the last fight.
I see all my friends and family fighting their enemies, and then I see Megatron running towards Optimus Prime. I run back to Megs and let a blast off straight to his face and...
I AM THE CHAMPION
but my uncle was upset because HE wanted to defeat Megatron. He's such a buzzkill.
Then I woke up to Romulus sitting on my face. AHEM, SLIGHT ALLERGIES ROM. GTFO PLX.
First one:
My mom, grandpa, and I go to the mountains for some reason. We come across a HUGE cabin-mansion that's maybe a hundred years old, and construction crews are surrounding it. "We're staying in THAT?" I ask my grandpa.
"No, there are better cabins behind it," he says.
Cut to later, Mom and Papa have left me in the cabin to do something. I'm cleaning my face in the bathroom and I start wondering if this place is haunted... then I get a creepy feeling up my back. I slowly lean back and peer in the living room.
There's a transparent, faintly glowing woman sitting in the chair farthest from me, looking off to the side.
I FREAK out and run for the door, but she appears right in front of me. She's a Lady in White and her face resembles my mom's, but she doesn't seem friendly. I scream and run through her, bursting through the door.
That's when I woke up screaming. I've never done that before.
Second one (after I fell back asleep):
I was lounging in my house, when all of a sudden I hear a sound like a jet engine. I get up and go to the backyard to see STARSCREAM flying over head, towards downtown. Then I remembered my family was down there. "Oh, shit!" I say, and run out the door.
I run downtown (super fast, since apparently I was a superhero?) and when I get there, it's an all-out battle between the Autobots, the Decepticons, some X-Men characters, and the Teen Titans.
I see Megatron on the roof of a nearby building and run over, lifting my hand and launching an energy blast at him. But an X-Men girl is in my way, the female version of Cyclops, and my blast hits a mirror on her goggles and takes a 90 degree angle, blasting a different Decepticon in the head. I cringe at the little mistake but I don't have time to apologize, as Megatron kicks on the building and sends a huge slab of wall down towards some of my friends. I leap up and stand over them to shield them from the wall, and GOD did it hurt. Raven (from Teen Titans) came over and lifted the wall rubble away so I could get up, then we went to the middle of the street for the last fight.
I see all my friends and family fighting their enemies, and then I see Megatron running towards Optimus Prime. I run back to Megs and let a blast off straight to his face and...
I AM THE CHAMPION
but my uncle was upset because HE wanted to defeat Megatron. He's such a buzzkill.
Then I woke up to Romulus sitting on my face. AHEM, SLIGHT ALLERGIES ROM. GTFO PLX.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
My Finger Is Numb From Food Dye
This is what I get from playing with food dye and massive bubbles.
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FML. The pink one burns the most.
In other news, it turns out that Romulus might be a Bombay! I've always wondered what kind of kitty he was.
I have been craving District 9 all day today and it's bugging me. I have every movie in the world EXCEPT District 9. TERRIBLE FEELING.
This weekend, one of two things will happen:
I will either go to the mountains to play bumper snow cars, or I will get my hair dyed and trimmed.
I AM EXCITED.
Alright, I don't have anything else to report so heeere's today's
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Today's DRAM is brought to you by the Autobots. Kicking Decepticon can since 1984.
The DRAM today is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for the Wii! A fun game that incorporates the movie and parts of the book, OOTP is a great free-roaming adventure. It doesn't have "levels", but little quests that you must complete, given to you by staff members or students. (My favorite was finding the talking gargoyles for Dean Thomas.)
Truly great for those who want to cast spells, too! The Wii remote makes an excellent wand.
And that's all for today, folks!
.JPG)
FML. The pink one burns the most.
In other news, it turns out that Romulus might be a Bombay! I've always wondered what kind of kitty he was.
I have been craving District 9 all day today and it's bugging me. I have every movie in the world EXCEPT District 9. TERRIBLE FEELING.
This weekend, one of two things will happen:
I will either go to the mountains to play bumper snow cars, or I will get my hair dyed and trimmed.
I AM EXCITED.
Alright, I don't have anything else to report so heeere's today's
Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!
Today's DRAM is brought to you by the Autobots. Kicking Decepticon can since 1984.
The DRAM today is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for the Wii! A fun game that incorporates the movie and parts of the book, OOTP is a great free-roaming adventure. It doesn't have "levels", but little quests that you must complete, given to you by staff members or students. (My favorite was finding the talking gargoyles for Dean Thomas.)
Truly great for those who want to cast spells, too! The Wii remote makes an excellent wand.
And that's all for today, folks!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Turn Off The Lights, I'm Watching Back To The Future
Best song ever. I hate screamo but I'll be damned if this isn't the most random song ever. It's like I'M NEVER GOING TO LET THIS CRAP HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN AAARRGH and then they through in that one line about Back to the Future. AWESOME.
And against my severe feelings over the subject, I got my favorite episode of the old Knight Rider (off of iTunes, yay for not pirating!). I'm saving it to watch on a slow school day, but nnnnngh I'm excited about it.
Short blog is short! So I will start a new segment here called...
Deege's Reccomended Awesome Media!
or "DRAM" for short.
Today's recommended media is...
the song "Varulven" by Garmarna!
A foreign song (at least to American ears), it combines the sounds of India and Ireland (in my opinion) with beautiful singing. Quite the treasure!
This still a bit short so HERE'S SOME OLD ART.
SATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN
And against my severe feelings over the subject, I got my favorite episode of the old Knight Rider (off of iTunes, yay for not pirating!). I'm saving it to watch on a slow school day, but nnnnngh I'm excited about it.
Short blog is short! So I will start a new segment here called...
Deege's Reccomended Awesome Media!
or "DRAM" for short.
Today's recommended media is...
the song "Varulven" by Garmarna!
A foreign song (at least to American ears), it combines the sounds of India and Ireland (in my opinion) with beautiful singing. Quite the treasure!
This still a bit short so HERE'S SOME OLD ART.
SATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN
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