Let's Just Breathe

I feel like poop. Again. I'unno. I feel sort of betrayed. I brought it on myself but I can't help it.

I had another dream, maybe my tenth, about this certain person that I know of. It was so real. They always are. They were telling me that they might as well forget what happened. But they were coming back in approximately a month. I was excited. I always am. And then I wake up, and it wasn't real, and it hurts all over again.
Honestly, if they ever did come back, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd be so scared to push them away again that I probably wouldn't ever fight. I wouldn't ever yell. I'd become some boring person who always agrees and keeps her opinions away to make sure they stay. I would be so careful to tiptoe around everything that nothing would happen, and it would be useless to even hang out. It drives me so crazy.

Aarren (as I learned is how you truly spell his name) spent all lunch with me, just talking about Satanism and lycanthropy and all the things *I* was interested in. He just wanted to know. I love it when people just want to know me, and just want to talk. That's all I want these days, is for people to know me. Know who I am, who I was. I just... want to be known.

This weekend is my birthday. I'm excited for it in the day time, but after night approaches, I feel horrible. I realize I'm a year closer to leaving my mother, the only person who I believed would never really leave me. I don't want to deal with that. I have two more years but I've taken so much for granted.

That's what. I believe I've taken my entire life for granted. I took my family for granted, the innocent world, my dogs, my friends. Back when I had everything. And now it's diminished to three or four real friends that are my age, two years left with my mom, chronic depression and the possibility of developing some other mental disorder. I know I'm going to end up crazy one day, I just don't know when.

I miss being fourteen. That was the highlight of my recent existence. All sorts of cool friends, two of them the bestest friends anyone could ask for. I was in all sorts of love and my main point in life was to have an adventure. To go out and just do the coolest, weirdest, funnest shit that was out there.
And now I'm trying so hard to hang on that I can't even pay attention to my opportunities. My emotions. My life.

I don't think I've ever admitted to this, but, while I might be a fighter, I am no winner. I always lose. I lost a lot last year. Friends, family, happiness. I wonder, if my life's high point was the day before my grandpa died... and everything started to go down from there... where will I be in ten years? Will I even be alive, or by some sick twist of fate, will I have died at the wheel of my car? At the will of my best friend?
I often wonder, what will become of me, if I'm only sixteen but I feel thirty? If I can feel love and I can give it, but I have no one to actually give it to? There's only so much you can do via internet, and that's to one person. I haven't the motivation, nor the guts, to get up and tell the ones I love that I want them. I'm too scared to lose again. I can't lose anymore, it would just break me.

My mom told me the other day, that I was going to be that girl that all the boys will call in five or ten years and say, "dang. I really wish we could've got together. You were such a cool person, I just never saw that."
But I don't know. In the American society, boys don't normally look for the cool girl who is smart and knows how to handle things, the girl who owns philosophy books instead of Cosmopolitans, who favors conservative clothing over showing her boobs, who would much rather do what you want than pick out herself. I can be the good person, I can be the want-able person, but I never get the chance. It's just a bunch of lies.

I don't know where I'm going. I guess I'm just saying that I hate my life's decreasing worth, I really want someone who I can physically touch and be with, and that I don't want to turn thirty on Sunday.






Don't you wish they had a machine that turned "fantasy" characters into real people? I do.