I Am Not A Pig

Therefore it is impossible for me to have swine flu.
But Mom insists that I have it. Feh.

In other words, I'm horribly sick. I can't get hungry, because my stomach does the weirdest shit and it hurts. My head is packed full of mucus and slime and it's disgusting - I have to keep a roll of toilet paper with me should I need to blow my nose/sneeze/cough up a lung.
I get pounding sinus headaches every six hours or so and those suck. I get the weirdest crazy thoughts. Last night, I was talking to my friend Candy, when all of a sudden I totally spaced and thought my head was trapped in an orange box. That was the biggest wtf ever.



tl;dr I hate being sick as a... well, excuse the pun, but sick as a dog.

I found a song that has a bit of an Obama speech in it and it's weird - if you put a beat to Obama's 2008 campaign speeches, they're way more awesome.

I'm going to Disneyland in February...

There's a full moon this Saturday, which means I will be antsy during Saturday School... fail.

I have accidentally almost called the same person twice, from both my cell phone AND Yahoo messenger... even my technology is like, "dude, just fuckin' call the person already". Bad technology. Bad.

I'm starving my face off.

And I'm bored to jesus almighty.

SO HERE'S ME AS A GUY





Sorry guys, no DRAM today. :< Too sick to think up awesome things.

If You're Lost, You Can Look, And I'll Be Waiting

My sad.

It is quite large in size.

This is going to be a large rant, and if I don't get this out of my system, I'll go do stupid things to channel my emotions... so you can skip this post today.

My life is fine. I choose to make it as bad as it is. I'm getting bad grades because I don't want to do my work, not because I don't have the means to. I'm losing friends because of my opinions, not them.
I don't know why I'm sick, but I'm sure it's because of a choice I made.

I tried to make it different. I tried to apologize. I tried to make conversation. Because I feel so incomplete right now. I feel so lost. I'm constantly thinking about death, about... suicide, because I feel that no matter how hard I'll try, no one will ever know me. I won't ever be known. I feel I won't make it to where I want to be.
I miss her. I shouldn't miss her. But I do. I should try to forget her, but my life was so incorporated to her... I feel pointless without her. I have another friend, and I love her very much for everything she's done for me, and for sticking with me while I'm in this state. But I can't get over the other one. I still have her number. I want to call her. But I don't want to bother her. I'm scared that if I annoy her, there won't ever be any hope of her coming back. But if I don't... I can't get closure. I can't understand.
I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I've stood in front of my knife collection before, thinking. I've told my mom how I felt. She suggests calling her. All my friends suggest calling her. I want to. I loved her. But I'm not strong enough.
There's not a day that goes by now that I don't feel like crying, how I'm full of regret and guilt, and shame. I don't want to be a bad person. I just don't have the courage to be a good person.
I want to show her that if I got another chance, I would change. I'm already on my way of changing, to try and catch her attention... trying to be a little nicer, a little less dramatic. Less angry and hateful to everyone around me. But it feels like she's ignoring me. I don't want her to get fed up and come back to me just to shut me up. But I miss her, so much. I still have the collar, inside my treasure chest. I still have all our pictures and conversations saved on my computer. I want to go look at them but they make me so upset.
I feel isolated, in a way. She was like me, she was my family. And then I lost her, and now I'm alone with myself again. Only she understood me all the way, only she could follow what I was going with.
Damn it. Damn it all. It was my fault, and I'm sorry. I'm just sorry.

I wish I was strong enough to endure this.

You Are My Only One

Today sucked!

I got real bad insomnia last night. I was sort of half-asleep from nine to midnight, but then I woke up and stayed up until five in the morning. FFFFF. >:[
And I'm getting a sore throat. ASGSDFHDH SORE THROATS SUCK. That's what I get for having a man voice though. >:I

My hands and feet haven't been warm all month. Seriously. They're all ice cold. It's just sad.

Big news: 80% chance of going to Disneyland for my 16th birthday! Woohoo!

It's starting to get cloudy again after an extremely sunny weekend. I'm thuper 'cited for the clouds. I looooove cloudy days. <3

The skin on my hands is turning white in some places and peeling off, even on the pads of my fingers. It's... weird. It's never happened to me before. o___e

I'm sort of loopy nowadays, and my anger outbursts/sad spells are getting more frequent. So are these dreams that I keep having, they're mucking me up and it isn't very pleasant at all.
Even now, as I start thinking about things, my head gets fuzzy and airy and frustration wells up in my throat... ehh. I hate being crazy.


Heyyy new drawing. Here ya go.



And now it's time for...

Deege's Recommended Awesome Media!

Sponsored by pickles. You seriously can't go wrong with pickles. If you do, then you have a squash. Not a pickle.

Today's DRAM is the band Yellowcard!
For kids from pre-2007 and late nineties, this band is a trip through time. In the days before real "emo" and "alt rock", Yellowcard bursted out with their spine-tingling songs about sacrifice, love, and adventure. A great band for those times when you're feeling lonely or lost, they will pick you up and put you back on your feet, feeling energized and ready to fly.
Way to go, Yellowcard!