If You're Lost, You Can Look, And I'll Be Waiting

My sad.

It is quite large in size.

This is going to be a large rant, and if I don't get this out of my system, I'll go do stupid things to channel my emotions... so you can skip this post today.

My life is fine. I choose to make it as bad as it is. I'm getting bad grades because I don't want to do my work, not because I don't have the means to. I'm losing friends because of my opinions, not them.
I don't know why I'm sick, but I'm sure it's because of a choice I made.

I tried to make it different. I tried to apologize. I tried to make conversation. Because I feel so incomplete right now. I feel so lost. I'm constantly thinking about death, about... suicide, because I feel that no matter how hard I'll try, no one will ever know me. I won't ever be known. I feel I won't make it to where I want to be.
I miss her. I shouldn't miss her. But I do. I should try to forget her, but my life was so incorporated to her... I feel pointless without her. I have another friend, and I love her very much for everything she's done for me, and for sticking with me while I'm in this state. But I can't get over the other one. I still have her number. I want to call her. But I don't want to bother her. I'm scared that if I annoy her, there won't ever be any hope of her coming back. But if I don't... I can't get closure. I can't understand.
I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I've stood in front of my knife collection before, thinking. I've told my mom how I felt. She suggests calling her. All my friends suggest calling her. I want to. I loved her. But I'm not strong enough.
There's not a day that goes by now that I don't feel like crying, how I'm full of regret and guilt, and shame. I don't want to be a bad person. I just don't have the courage to be a good person.
I want to show her that if I got another chance, I would change. I'm already on my way of changing, to try and catch her attention... trying to be a little nicer, a little less dramatic. Less angry and hateful to everyone around me. But it feels like she's ignoring me. I don't want her to get fed up and come back to me just to shut me up. But I miss her, so much. I still have the collar, inside my treasure chest. I still have all our pictures and conversations saved on my computer. I want to go look at them but they make me so upset.
I feel isolated, in a way. She was like me, she was my family. And then I lost her, and now I'm alone with myself again. Only she understood me all the way, only she could follow what I was going with.
Damn it. Damn it all. It was my fault, and I'm sorry. I'm just sorry.

I wish I was strong enough to endure this.