hmmm

I had a really shitty day today. Was worried about someone, felt god-awful in the first place thanks to lack of sleep, couldn't even really think right because my thought train exploded a few nights ago.
But I'm starting to get commission traffic at school. I've already gotten at least three different pictures to do, racking up around $12. That's enough money for mom to half-fill up the car so she can get to work and back.

I drew so much today that my hand started hurting. That's... that hasn't happened in years, really. I'm surprised, and glad.

I dressed a bit fancy today, wore high heels and make up and had my hair in a bun. That's my favorite hairstyle, my hair up in a bun. It spikes my ends up and looks epic.

The worst teacher at our school, who we call Rod, has been arrested and is under investigation, because apparently he had lots of underage porn. I don't know how to put this any other way, except... he had it coming! He was SUCH a fuck-ass.

A teacher also died today, at school. One of our favorite subs had a heart attack and collapsed. :( It freaked me out when I heard about it. RIP Mr. Jose.

Mom and I have a very high possibility of getting this epic house around the corner from here. It has four bedrooms, so one room will get to be my studio. I'd whoo about it, but I don't feel like it just yet.

I also have summer school. I only have to go for 3 days, but the rest is all an online course and fuck if there was a way they could make being on a computer a chore.

Still going crazy, too. I'm starting to forget things. Fuck.








/emo

head desk

fucking fuck it all


I feel like shit, god damn it

last night i felt like shit, this morning i woke up feeling like shit, i know i'm going to feel even shittier at school



ffffffffffffffuck it all

y'know, people always bitch at me that they make an effort to do things for me, and i'm like "yeah i can see that, you really don't have to point it out"
but when *I* try to make a fucking effort NOBODY notices

not even the person i'm making an effort at

i try and i try and i go through ALL THIS SHIT AND I HAVE NOTHING TO FUCKING SHOW FOR IT

FUCK

all i want is to just talk to people, not fight and argue and kick and scream but no
NO
can't fucking have that can we sweet deegey

god damn it i fucking hate my life




BY THE FUCKING WAY
PARANOID SCHIZO FEELS LIKE SHIT
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU SUDDENLY HEAR PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING RESTAURANT AND YOUR MOM IS LOOKING AT YOU AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING TO MUMMY BECAUSE SHE'LL BLAME IT ON THE NON-EXISTENT PMS AND TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF

i fucking HATE HUMANITY
fucking hate people, fucking hate EVERYTHING

i'm a train of just pure fucking rage, because i've hit a WALL
I CANT MOVE FROM THIS GODDAMN PLACE
I'M STUCK AND I DON'T KNOW WHO TO FUCKING TALK TO ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GO UP TO YOUR FRIENDS AND BE LIKE
hey i have mental issues because this person i really really care about hates me and i'm losing my mind, do you have a strait jacket on hand
because your friend will be like
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I HATE YOU TOO, GO AWAY
because people are fucking BACKSTABBING TWO-TIMING COCK-SUCKING ASSHOLES AND I HATE THE LOT OF THEM


everyone will abandon you one day, i'm just living in the future

i'm fucking... done.
i'm tired of this, i really am
i give up

was this what you wanted? did you want to wait me out until i gave up? well, here's your victory
i really hope you are happy
at least then i will have accomplished something for you