why doesn't anybody listen

Linkin Park/Fort Minor.

so, going through tough times. Getting new friends, losing-ish an old one, possibly moving, etc. it's confusing and it, in the lamest of terms, hurts my feelings. i don't think it's ever going to be "normal" again like how i want it to be, but i just... lose trust in people. three years of being best friends, and when my life *finally* starts looking up, at least a little... crash. after all these years, i don't think i can restore my trust as easily. not now.
i should get over it, but i'm notorious for holding grudges. it's practically one of my personality traits. "loud, spontaneous anger spouts, holds grudges way longer than she needs to because she has severe trust issues".
i mean.... come on. you're so much better off than i am - orchestra, a good loving family, your own car, lots of friends that keep in touch, all those cool things you get, constantly having a full kitchen, you don't have to do chores - and when i get something good, you're... jealous? do you know how jealous i am of *you*? i would kill to be in your place. do you just feel the need to guard me or something? you think that i'm yours, or something?
well, now you know how i feel, except this time it's not so fair - /look/ at what you have, all YOUR friends, all YOUR family, EVERYTHING. and then look what i have. a fucking disaster of a family, not but two TRUE friends, and a lot of people i love lost. hell, i'm envious that you even have your dad around, let alone that he's worked on all sorts of cool movies.
it's just... upsetting. i don't know.




in other news, i had another dream about the... other girl. i can't remember what number this is, but i'm thinking somewhere in the 'teens. this time, she contacted me and i didn't know how to respond. i didn't know whether to say "hi" back, or ignore her, or make a rude comment. it was so real, again.
i really miss her, i suppose.

i've actually pocketdialed/accidentally called her quite a few times. it's awkward. one time i pocketdialled her and didn't know until i was about a minute into the answering machine (? i didn't check to see if anyone had gotten on). then i pulled out my phone, saw it, and immediately hung up.
secretly, i wanted her to call back and ask what that was all about.... but really
you have your hopes too high, deege
really too FUCKING HIGH
because that's too fucking much to ask, isn't it
fucking isn't it
just some little *HINT* THAT SHE'LL BE BACK IS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR

fuck




i hate my fucking life.







i'm going to go cry or kill myself or do something productive