Pregnancy

Warning: Vulgar and angst-ridden rant. The F-bomb is dropped many times here. Read at your own cost.


My mom is pregnant. After 16 years of being "unable" to have a child, convincing me I was her one and only and she would never have another, she is pregnant by Jake.
I told everyone he was bad fucking news from the start. No one listens to me until it is too fucking late. Too fucking late indeed.

She broke it to me via early birthday card. I opened it and the things written inside - "Hey big sis!" "Mom says I look like a tadpole" - made me think I was getting a pet salamander or something. But no. With the card was an ultrasound picture of the 2-month-old fetus in my mother's womb.
I was needless to say devastated. My mom was the only person who I was the "one and only" to, and now this was being torn away from me. I instantly started crying and I didn't say a word for the rest of the night. I hid in my room and curled up on the floor for a while, unable to comprehend.
Even now, I'm waiting for them to tell me it was a joke. This isn't happening.
For the last twenty-four hours I've thought of nothing but what this baby is going to do to us. I will spend my last remaining childhood years watching my mother take care of something that was Jake's fault.
I know this is to spite me. I know this is partially my fault, for tilting my head back and growling at the sky, at the peak of my depression, "How could this get any worse?"
A baby. An intrusion. An invader. A parasite.
My mom knows I'm upset. Everyone's found out by now that I strongly disapprove. Thankfully they're alright with me being selfish, except for my goddamned shitfuck of an uncle. (If you read this: fuck you, Chris.)
She tries telling me that I'll be a good big sister and everything, but I won't. I'm off my fucking nut. I'm destructive, I'm depressed almost every day. If I don't get the amount of attention I want, I get frustrated. She wants me to be this thing's role model, and I don't want to be. I don't like responsibility, I can't handle it. They can tell me up and down that I'm going to enjoy being a sibling, that it's going to be okay, but it's not. It's going to fucking suck, I'm going to hate it. This kid's going to be crying and pooping and constantly needing attention because it can't even walk on its own.

This is what I get for trying to change, trying to be a different person?
I lose one of my best friends. My other friend at school turns into a fucking bitch. I can't eat food at all unless I'm swallowing anesthetic by the spoonful, and even then it still makes me cringe to chew. The guy I liked, who told me he didn't "want to be in a relationship" even though we liked each other that way, he gets a lover and flaunts it about.
And the last person I had to turn to, the person who made me and grew up with me, she gets taken away because she wouldn't listen to me. She didn't see what I saw. I saw the future, a fucking horrible future for myself where I've lost everything and nobody loves me anymore because they've all got bigger problems.
Maybe I should go back to being a bitch. Maybe I should start taking things for granted again, since I had everything in the world when I was like that. And it wasn't before I changed that I lost it all - none of that "oh I should stop and smell the roses since I've learned my lesson - it was after I changed. After I started developing, if slowly, a "nice" side of me, a forgiving side, a listening side - everything fucking dropped and shit on itself. I'm forever fucked by this idiot, this GODDAMN IDIOT.
I tell them. I tell you. I say, he's bad news. He's fucking bad news. You may like him and love him, but I swear to god this shitter is bad fucking news.

Why? Why do I have to be the one to see it, and suffer the consequences? Fucking WHY, god damn it?

I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of just everything. I'm tired of having to "be strong" just because people are too stupid to take advice. People are too close-minded - oh, she's just fifteen, she doesn't know.

god damn it I DO KNOW. I KNOW IT /ALL/, WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I'm SMARTER than the others, I KNOW MORE THAN THEM. You take ME for granted, you think that just because I'm young, I won't know the ways of adult dating... FUCK YOU. I know it. You just shut yourself off.
Men do this. Men ruin things. Men ruined my life, every aspect of it. Men, the male gender, tortured me with verbal abuse. Idiot men took away my father. Men hurt me, men fought me, men ruined me.

And I can't help thinking something fucking horrible is going to happen when this kid is born.


And whoever says I'm selfish, screw off. I'm allowed to be this way. This is my goddamned blog, this my goddamned life, and you can't do a goddamned thing about it to shut me up. I have had ENOUGH bottling up my anger and feelings just to spare others and be nice. THAT ISN'T ME. THIS IS ME, FUCKING ANGRY AND FUCKING DISGUSTED WITH THIS FUCKING WORLD. FUCK YOU WORLD, I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE.