WARNING: Full Of Shit

Tonight's gonna make itself hard to get over. Thankfully, I'm almost at the 4 AM mark, which means I should be getting tired here in a couple hours.

Late nights such as these when I'm alone for unnecessary reasons (mostly thanks to my horrible conduct as a friend and therefore losing companions I could currently be talking to) are when I sit back and reflect on past things, if not trying to cover up the past with wild images of a place that doesn't really exist.

Tonight, I thought back on who I used to be. Where was I, one year ago? Why, I was this spoiled ugly little fuck who took everything for granted and would punch you in the face as a way of saying I love you.
I honestly would. I realize now that I never considered my violence as something to get away with - if I hurt people, it was because I really really liked them. Fuck, if you HAVEN'T been hurt (mentally or physically) by me, then you are most likely someone I couldn't care less for.
Basically, I'm an affectionately violent human being.

I never meant to cause harm. I have screws loose, everyone knows that. I grew up around boys and men - hitting, scratching, cussing, leaving bruises, all of that was part of the "I love ya, kiddo" deal. I didn't realize (or maybe just didn't care) that that is NOT how you do it outside of your family. That's my own fault, and I see that now.

I also have a short temper and a tendency to be irrational. Again, screws loose. Looking back, even I go, "wtf was wrong with me then?" (I hope to find some of the people I acted strange towards and apologize - our relationships would have been much better if I weren't so fucking psycho.)

I hogged the center of attention.
I begged for pity.
I even threatened suicide (and, in all honesty, attempted only once).

I was a rotten, selfish, horrible little brat of a child. I am so angry at my past self, because now I have to carry the luggage of her past around in my pocket. Sometimes I play it off as, "She was an entirely different person. Just forget that, it wasn't you doing all that crap." And sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

And, admittedly, I had to get a pretty big fucking slap to the face to realize how much of a stuck-up cunt I was. I didn't realize this was what was going to happen, a full year later after the initial incident, but here we are.

I'm a better person thanks to that slap to the face. I'm not the BEST person - I'm still irrational at times, still pretty angry with the world, and generally more anti-social (thanks to the solid abandonment and trust issues, aaawlright) - but I am not this sappy little fuck from last December. I try not to hog the spotlight - in fact, I actually get flat-out embarrassed when something focuses too much on me - and I don't threaten with suicide. Think about it, maybe, but I always have something to be like "nahhh, no way we could actually do it".

All in all, I think I'm as good as a Deege is going to get. I lost a good friend out of this whole ordeal, but hey, maybe one day I'll meet someone better. (And I can always just stick to what I have. I already blew an entire SIX DOLLARS on our best friend necklace, anyway - I can't just walk away from an investment like that!)







(The six dollar investment was a joke, by the way.)


~Sincerely,

A Much Better Deege Than Last December's Deege