musings of a teenage drama kid

my mother doesn't appreciate my existence anymore.
before the baby, before jake, we were there for each other. she was the person i cried to when i was hurt, and i was the nervous daughter to rub her back when she couldn't be so strong anymore.
i got her through all the awful relationships (remember brandon, mom? how he nearly broke my foot? or how about when I played along so we could FINALLY be rid of bill and his evil kids? oh - remember frank? or david, the guy that i have burned in my head as my "real father"? i remember everyone.) and she helped me when i got into fights at school. she protected me from my uncle and got pissed at my grandma when she had to.

but now she doesn't give a rat's ass if i need to breathe.

i was blatantly ignored today when my mom was acting very, VERY weird. i woke up to her and jake leaving for somewhere, and i asked "where are you going?"
without looking at me, she said, "I'unno."
so she left and i texted her, "uh, are you mad at me?" and she replied "no", so i said, "okay then... what's wrong? you're acting weird."
she didn't reply for an hour, so i sent again.
still no reply and she's home now.

i'm so damn tired of her leaving me out of her life. i want to know what the hell is going on, and either she shuts the door or jake shuts it for her. i want to KNOW. she's the only family i have - she's the only person i can actually turn to and get hugs and crap from because she's my MOM and my whole family is a pack of ASSHOLES. (see example: uncle Chris with his assholeish ways, and my grandmother for her greediness that cost us a car and me my trust in people)
i do a lot for her these days, to make up for the brat i've been. i listen to her and i don't yell back at her unless i'm REALLY TIRED of the crap she gives me. i do what i'm told now, and i don't point it out when something she does annoys the /HELL/ out of me. (which is normally something you should just give to your parents, but hey, she was very lenient when i was growing up.)

i know i'm not the perfect, beautiful, loving daughter that you wanted, but you're giving me a life that is not healthy for me, for you, for the baby - for anyone. not even for jake. you're teaching him that no matter how much of a JERK (used lightly, the word i first used would get me grounded) he is to you, you will accept him with open arms the next day. that's how it's always been, ever since he came back from prison.
i thought we were getting back on an alright, "normal" note - where i wasn't so mad at you for leaving me detached from everything, and you weren't screaming at me when i glared at jakes's back. you were actually okay with me saying "you sure did pick him ripe" when he had a total DERP-RETARD moment the other day. in fact, you even laughed.

so, why the hell do you choose to ignore me when i ask about your well-being? were you taught to shut the hell up about your emotions? i know you are strong, but when i ask for something, I WANT GODDAMN ANSWERS. NOT THE OBVIOUS LIES YOU FEED ME.

if you can't trust me - after i've been there for you through sixteen years of pure CRAP, after we've been all the other has had going for the other - then why should i trust you?

i feel stupid for trying to tell you i have mental disorders. i feel stupid that i ever told you i was suicidal. i feel stupid for crying about how awful you sounded on the phone when you were tired after a long day of delivering a freaking BABY. i'm sorry i tried to care about you when you didn't want me.

all i ask of you now is to keep yourself away from me. i still need food and shelter, so those are the only reasons why i'm staying. i have no other reason for this crap.
do not cry around me. do not ask me to help you (especially after yelling at me when I asked to help you when jake was too busy sleeping that one time). do not ask me to do anything. i will do the dishes like i am supposed to, and for the rest of the time, i will stay here on my own.

i'm sorry i couldn't be strong for you, and i'm sorry that i didn't fit in with the williams, and i'm sorry that the only thing matt ever gave me was his excessive testosterone, his laziness, and his irresponsibility. i'm very sorry.
but you have a new canvas now, so maybe you can start over with him. have fun for the next eighteen years of your life.