today

today, I had a conference between me, my mom, my principal, and my english teacher. i never have to go to her class again.

today, a person i hadn't talked to in a long time called me to tell me my phone kept butt-dialing her. if i had more time, i would have tried to work a conversation out of her. i said i would delete her number. i didn't.

today, tristan popped up as i left the office from my meeting to go back to class. he hugged me and i buried my face in his chest and cried.

today, i found out i will be seeing even less of the person i care about the most.

today, i wore my arc reactor for three hours then took it off when i came home. i tilted my tablet back and when i didn't hear my reactor go off, i had a panic attack. then i remembered that it was detachable.

today, i came home wanting to relax and watch transformers. instead, i found jake on the couch, in the same position i had seen him in three hours prior, watching survivor with a pile of otter pop wrappers at his side. i almost threw my phone at him.

today i died a little again.

today i realized that the life i complained about so often, two years ago, was nowhere near as bad as my life is now, and i hate younger me for thinking it was. and if the only way my life is ever going to go is from mildly bad to this is a little shitty to someone fucking murder me... then what's next? someone fucking murder me to i'm dead? come on.


when will my pain fucking end.